Just your typical prototype

This poll was brought to you by iTunes (and not locking your door when you know you have friends coming over)

What is the most embarrassing song to be caught singing along to?
a) Journey, "Don't Stop Believin'"
b) Dragonforce, "Through the Fire and Flames"
c) Cabaret, "Mein Herr"
d) All of the above, though certainly embarrassing, still play into the whole self-conciously nerdy thing you have going on. The right answer is "Piece of Me" by Britney Spears.
e) Having heard you sing, I can tell you that it's embarrassing no matter what the song.
f) Sorry, but this is really bothering me. Aren't prototypes, by definition, typical?


On planning a trip to Egypt

"I just want to be respectful of the local culture. And buy some new clothes."

Yes, I am finally going to Egypt! I started to make a packing list and then realized that almost everything I own, save for my orange scarf, is not really suitable for Egypt. I'm pretty sure that Russia is the exact opposite of Egypt in terms of cultural climate and climate climate.

Which is kind of funny, since a lot of the stuff I'm reading about Egypt is also stuff that I read about Russia years ago. Specifically:
- beware of pickpockets and don't leave your passport in your hotel room
- don't drink the water and be wary of street food
- don't bother driving and look out when crossing the street because drivers are crazy
- health and safety standards are lower, and fatal transport accidents are not unheard-of
- do not even go anywhere near illegal drugs
- don't take photos of government buildings or military personnel
- you will stand out more and might be harrassed if you have dark skin/light hair (I'll let you figure out which country is which here)
- don't go anywhere with strangers who approach you (find me a country where it IS advisable to do this and I'll cash in my life savings and move there)
- I came to Russia just after Beslan, so even the terrorism warnings sound vaguely familiar to me.

A lot of this turned out to be very good advice, and a lot of it is just common sense. I would say that they are all true, or at least not-untrue. Taken all together, though, it makes Moscow sound a lot scarier than it actually is, so I try and keep that in mind when I read the exact same things about Cairo, or anywhere else I travel, for that matter.

Even worse, before I came to Russia, somebody told me that I could be kidnapped and they would cut off my fingers and send them to my parents one-by-one until they agreed to pay millions of dollars for my release. Hasn't happened yet. The other day somebody told me that foreign women in Egypt can get kidnapped and shipped to brothels in other middle eastern countries never to be heard from again.

Honestly, these stories mostly just make the people telling them sound creepy. These both sound like things that could happen, or even have happened in the past.* But do you tell visitors to America that they might get all serial-killed?

I don't mean to minimize the risks of international travel, especially to a country whose culture is so very far removed from your own, and, yeah, I am a bit nervous. But I do what I can to minimize risks (in this case that means using a reputable travel agency, dressing conservatively, and not going alone**), and I read a lot about any place before I make the decision to visit it. So I ask everybody to please trust my judgement (about travelling -- I certainly won't ask you to trust my judgement about music).


I have changed

Yeah, when did that happen? Still look like a robot in photographs, though:

This was taken at the Polytechnic museum in Moscow last weekend. This is an awesome museum and I cannot believe I did not visit it earlier. It was a robotic tour guide for an exhibition, but I don't know if it was ever actually used.

* The ONLY similar account I found for either scenario in either country was the tourist kidnapping in September, which had a happy ending. Plus, I won't be anywhere near that part of the country.

** I feel really conflicted about these last two concessions. As in, if I can't travel alone and dress however I want without the risk of being harrassed, does the country deserve my tourism dollars at all? I could argue that Egypt is making progress in this area, or that being in the country as a polite, respectful American can only have a good influence on people's attitudes, or even that I have no right to ask this question in the first place. But I really just want to see the pyramids.

No title to tie all these together. I'm not *that* good.

Happy Thanksgiving! Of course I am sick today (this seems to be a Thanksgiving tradition for me).

I don't have much to write about. My teaching hours were reduced when I was promoted, with the consequence that this year has been depressingly devoid of horrifying student conversations, just a couple of mildly amusing ones:

This isn't technically a student conversation, but I'm counting it because I was in character for some reason, and because it was totally wasted on its audience:
Vladimir Petrovich*: You never do anything stupid?
Me: No, never.
V: I think it is okay to do mistakes sometimes.
M: Well, evidently.

Funny student:
Fyodor Pavlovich: Have you found a new boyfriend yet?
Me: It's been two weeks!
F: So, more than one.


I got tagged for a meme, but I don't know seven bloggers to re-tag (and, for the record, it really is bothering me that there aren't seven rules), so I'm just going to tell you seven weird things about myself:

1. I'm allergic to all fruit except citruses. I'm not allergic to cooked fruit at all, and salad dressing makes me less allergic to tomatoes. I haven't tried it on other fruits (and, honestly, have no intention of doing so). I'm less allergic to unripe fruit.

2. When I first came here, I was so self-conscious about my accent that I just wrote notes for everything I wanted at stores and restaurants. I was also self-conscious about my handwriting, so I often asked my boss to write notes for me.

3. I dressed up as a boy for the last Halloween party. I didn't condition my hair for a week, studied the way that guys move, borrowed clothes from a coworker (who was dressing up as me), padded my shoulders and waistline like crazy, gave myself a dreadful moustache using some mascara, and resolved to only drink beer all night. I was very proud of this costume. My coworker told me I looked like Hilary Swank in "Boys Don't Cry." "Is that a compliment?" I asked. "I...guess."

4. I haven't dyed my hair since 2006. I wanted to dye it gray for a while, but exactly nobody thought this was a good idea, and the amount of bleaching it would require made me give up entirely.

5. I eventually learned how to use chopsticks at age 17 because I was at a restaurant where they didn't give me a fork and I was too embarrassed to ask for one. Years later, I was in China and every time I walked into a restaurant people would watch me just to see whether I could eat with chopsticks. It would have been kind of embarrassing if I hadn't been able to.

6. I really really miss swiss orange and mint chocolate chip ice cream. Not together.

7. I think I remember conversations better than most people, to the point that I find myself pretending not to remember stories that I've been told before because it just makes the conversation easier.


* No, these are not real names, just really pretentious aliases. Please do not stalk my students.

How the world can change

Life since my last update has been interesting (Dmitry and I broke up. I do not want to talk about it), but that's not what I'm going to write about. What I'm going to write about is:

1. Obama won the election!!! I kind of wish I had been home for it. But people here are happy, too. A McCain win would have destroyed our credibility, at least here in Russia (and, yes, I do know how that sounds). Some of them are worried that I'm going to go back now. What I was really waiting for was health care, so...maybe?

2. Proposition 8. I...have no words for this. But look here. Second picture, middle sign, awesome. It kind of made me wish that my parents were fundamentalist nutjobs so that I could marry that guy just to prove a point.

And I understand that lots of otherwise good people are opposed to gay marriage, I assume because their churches say so (like mine, though I manage to form my own opinions on this issue despite that) or because they are just uncomfortable with it (that would be the entire population of the country that I choose to live in). It's the voting against it that I have a problem with. That's basically going to the polls and saying "I do not want people who I will never meet and who have no effect on my life to be able to visit each other in the hospital when one of them is seriously ill." Who DOES that?!?

It turns out that I do have some words for this.

3. Talking to my friend, an Evangelical Christian, about Sarah Palin (this was before the election when it was relevant):
O: See, she's one of those scary Christians.
M: Ye...what, what?! You have to explain that because as far as I'm concerned YOU'RE one of those scary Christians!
O: [uses the one issue that I actually, KIND OF, agree with Palin on to illustrate her point]
M: Oh...my. This means that someone out there thinks I'm a scary Christian, too.
O: Yeah, they're called Episcopalians.
M: Ooh...I bet they do.
O: But who thinks Episcopalians are scary?
M: Unitarians!

And then you come full-circle because I imagine that the Sarah Palins of the world find Unitarians scary. Or...it might be more of a line than a circle.

4. I am currently scraping the money together to go visit my brother in Berlin. His blog is updated more often than mine. His post about contractors reminds me of some of the people I work with, except we make a lot less money. But the lifestyle is similar.

5. Points if you know where I got that title from (it ties the whole post together, though 3 is kind of a stretch).

And a towel. Don't forget to bring a towel.

So over at one of the fashion blogs I read, there is a question about what to pack if you're going backpacking for two months. I'm not really what you'd call a backpacker, but I did go on a 6-week vacation this one time when I wasn't really staying in one place and had to carry everything with me.

Anyway, I started to write a response in the comments, but it got kind of long-winded and I didn't want to hijack the thread. So I decided to copy it here instead. Then I added footnotes wherein I talk about myself, as this is my blog and I can do that.

No matter where you go, I strongly recommend a scarf-shawl type thing. It will keep you warm, keep the sun off of you, and allow you to visit any churches with strict dress codes.

If you're going to spend a lot of time in cities: bring lots of sundresses in different lengths. They don't take up much space in your luggage. Depending on the weather or how conservative the place is, you can wear a hoodie or the aforementioned scarf to cover up (also make sure the material is opaque, as that can be embarassing otherwise). What's more, you can hand wash them, they dry quickly, and you don't have to plan an outfit. (If you're not comfortable wearing dresses, though, disregard this paragraph because you shouldn't travel in clothes you're not comfortable in).

For outdoor activities, you'll need pants and shirts (layers are good here), but probably not as many as you think.

As for shoes,
1. don't bother with "nice" shoes. You will never wear them. You'll be walking so much that, even if you do go out in the evening, you'll probably end up choosing comfort over style. It also leaves you with an excuse (and space) to buy shoes there, and who doesn't want that?
2. you should definitely bring sandals, but make sure they are comfortable and have good arch support. Actually, that should be true of all the shoes you bring.
3. Shoes are heavy, so the fewer you can get away with, the better. I only really needed two pairs.*

With regard to maintenance, get a haircut that will look ok when it grows out, and bring some hair ties. Keep your nails short, but bring a nail file so they still look neat. I don't like travelling with nail polish, but if you can't live without it, go for something light, iridescent and quick-drying. I also brought a bar of detergent for hand-washing clothes. I didn't even know they existed until just before I left, but they are very useful.

Finally, if you forget something, or you end up wanting something you didn't pack, you can more than likely buy it there. Then you have something useful with nice memories attached to it.**



* I can't believe I just advised somebody to bring fewer pairs of shoes. Does the fact that I advocated buying more balance it out?

** I bought a lot of clothes when I was travelling, the weirdest being the cordouroy jacket that brings all the boys to the yard. In fact, I wore it today and this really good-looking guy who had travelled a lot around Russia was flirting with me. When I wore it two weeks ago, I went to Moscow and an Italian tourist sang to me (I have no idea what he was singing. Perhaps it was some aria from an opera about an ugly girl with a nice jacket). It's also the jacket that prompted my student to tell me I had "a perfect figure" some months ago. There is NOTHING remarkable about this jacket. I will find a picture.

Perhaps I can make an analogy.
unremarkable cordouroy jacket : European men :: graph paper shirt, conservative haircut, and glasses :

a) European women
b) All women everywhere
c) Stephen Colbert's wife
d) Just you, weirdo

Well, I went to Petrozavodsk, but some boats to Kizhi (specifically, the three I could have taken) were cancelled because the tourist season is winding down. This happens when I travel. It's because I don't sign up for stuff in advance and instead try to figure things out by myself when I get there. Sometimes it doesn't work out. It usually doesn't bother me. For some reason it did this time.

That "some reason" might be:
- I was sick
- my bank collapsed
- the entire American economy might collapse
- my birthday is coming up
- my cell phone stops working for hours at a time for no reason
- when it does work I accidentally send unspeakably creepy text messages
- my camera is dying
- my iPod crashed three times in as many days
- work
- everything else

ANYWAY, Petrozavodsk is a nice city with a really charming waterfront, and I didn't even need a map because, after visiting a lot of Russian cities (seriously, I have visited a lot of Russian cities), I can just draw my own:



I sketched this for a coworker and then decided to add stuff. The middle part says "Lenin St."

I spent most of my time there near the lake. It might be my favorite waterfront in Russia, and that is saying a lot.

So I'd like to go back there and actually see Kizhi. And maybe Valaam (this was highly recommended by the hotel staff, but you need to spend a couple days). But I also feel like there is too much on my list of things to see and places to go and that I am never actually going to be done with it, particularly if I keep failing to cross anything off.

I am going away for the weekend. Back soon!

Misc.

I have a lot of half-written blog posts that I just can't really seem to make into full posts. This is going to seem like a pretty random list of stuff.


Annoying Problem:
Students who think that I'm the only one who can teach them. I wrote about this last year. Except now my title is "Director of Studies" and my contract hours are reduced.

My proposed solution was to give everyone a nifty-sounding title, but this did not really fly with administration.

The reason this bothers me is that, while I am a good teacher, a huge part of my job is training other teachers to become good teachers. When students say that none of our other teachers can teach them, they are basically saying that I am no good at the training part of my job.


Though they might have a point:
I was helping one of the teachers plan his lesson.
A: Okay, so next I would elicit questions from the students.
B, writes "Illicit questions from students."
A: Well, that would be a much more interesting lesson.


Weather:
Every year, I get back to Moscow just in time for some ridiculuously hot weather. And every year I think "well, I might as well enjoy the opportunity to wear all my summer dresses because it gets cold really fast." And a week later every year I think "what happened?!? It was 90 degrees last week and now it's 50-something."

This is my way of saying that it's been a bit cold.


Shopping:
So I was rereading The Luzhin Defense this summer. It's not white stockings and bluish shoes but gray stockings and bluish shoes. I have no idea how I mixed that up. It was pretty easy to fix.

Other than that, I have mostly been window shopping because I am trying to save money. But I did buy a gray hat. Not even Suze Orman could disapprove of this hat.


Swimming:
The first thing to remember is that people don't have swimming pools here because they mostly live in apartments. None of the complexes here have pools, though that might be different elsewhere. The point is, if you want to swim after the weather turns cold, you have to go to the public pool.

Anyway, going to the public pool here is a multi-step process.
1. Go to the doctor (you can do this without an appointment). They want to make sure that you don't have heart problems and that your feet are not fungus-encrusted. If you pass, they write you a health clearance and you pay about $9 to get it stamped.
2. Then you bring your note to the pool, where they enter your name in their database. This is good for 6-12 months, and then you have to get another doctor's note.
3. Make an appointment to swim. There are a number of 45-minute sessions in the morning and evening on weekdays, and all day on Sunday. You can make your appointment for the same day, but you're more likely to get a space if you buy in advance. They print you a ticket with your name and appointment at the admin desk. 4. Take this ticket to the cash desk and pay about $5 to get it stamped.
5. Bring your stamped ticket to the locker room, where they give you a key.
6. Change, shower, swim. Make sure you have a swim cap because they won't let you in the pool without one.

For all I know, public pools have the same procedure everywhere. But I had been putting all this off for a while because I thought it seemed like a lot of steps and I hate swimming anyway.

In fact,
a) It doesn't take as long as it sounds.
b) If the pool is indoors and nobody is looking at you, swimming is actually a lot of fun.
c) You can, however, still hurt your feet. Always stretch first!

In general I'm really liking this swimming-as-exercise business. It's much better for my feet and knees and lungs than running or walking, I don't have to worry about cars like I do with roller-blading, I can swim no matter what the weather, and it might help me do something about my little tyrannosaurus arms. Let's see if I can actually keep it up.

The disadvantages are the cost, the fact that I'm going to need a hair dryer, and the location of the pool (across town). I'm also not really going to give up walking, as that has a psychological benefit. Is there room in my life for one and a half forms of exercise?


For more about Russian bureaucracy:
Read Mikhail Zoshchenko. I hadn't even heard of him until I had already been living in Russia for a year. I find him hilarious, but I don't know if I would have before I came here.


Exciting News:
I'm going to Petrozavodsk in a few weeks!


Solution to Annoying Problem?
Occasionally when I send a text message, I send it to the wrong person. There are two reasons why this might happen.
1. If I'm sending a message about somebody, I might accidentally send it to that person just because they're on my mind.
2. I'm in a hurry and two people are close together alphabetically.

The first is not so bad because I don't send unpleasant thoughts via text message. That's just good sense. It's usually something like "I'm observing Mabel's class today" and then Mabel is like, "Why are you referring to me in the 3rd person?" And then I realize that I've made a mistake.

The second is not really bad, either, because it should be obvious that I've made a mistake. And because, on my old phones, the "formal" (students, administration) list was separate from the "informal" list (colleagues, friends), so even if I made a mistake, it would have the right level of formality. On my current phone, they're all mixed together.

So the other day a text message for a colleague was accidentally sent to a student, and I thought, "great. Now our students are going to think that I'm barely literate," as I use a lot of abbreviations. Not great for my professional image, kind of embarrasing. Probably obvious that I had made a mistake.

Except! The message starts with "Hey, how is KZ?" KZ=Kizhi Island in the context of this message, but that doesn't matter here. What's important is that these are also said student's initials. Which means:
1. I am barely literate
2. I call my students by their initials
3. I refer to them in the third person

Points 2 and 3 make me seem unspeakably creepy!

This is my way of saying that my next phone had better let me make separate phone lists.

No accusations, just friendly crustaceans

So, I made it home in one piece but haven't felt like answering any of the recent Friday Fives. Tomorrow I am going on a cruise to Alaska with my family. This is exciting because I get to go snorkelling for the first time ever.* Also, free food, a giant boat with a swimming pool and library, rainy weather, and opportunities to dress formally.


Coming home gives me an opportunity to see my family and friends, but also to catch up on movies and TV:

I saw Wall-E, which I liked for the first half and then really disliked due to its contempt for its audience (I don't often say this about movies). I also felt that they were putting forward a Lamarckian view of evolution, despite the fact that the society in the movie probably did not involve any natural selection whatsoever. The ending credits actually made up for the rest of the movie, though. First of all, they were nice to look at, but, more importantly, it was sort of like they were saying "but civilization produces some good things too!" Which I appreciated.

Pan's Labyrinth was really good, though it went over my head (here be spoilers):
"I was really shocked that they did that."
"Well, it worked out for her. It's not like she actually died."
"What?"
"Yeah, she got to go to the magical land where her parents were waiting for her."
"..."
"Have I taken this movie too literally? Because it would not be the first time."

Project Runway started on Wednesday. I think I hate Blayne, and not in a love-to-hate way. It's probably good that I'll be going home before the season really takes off.

I watched the entire first season of Mad Men in about three days and came to the conclusion that early-1960s America is like present-day Russia but with better clothes and hair (but not shoes).** I had a whole analysis of why this would be the case (essentially, it's that the characters in the show grew up during the depression, while the characters in Russia grew up during the beginning of the end of the Soviet Union). There is less smoking in Russia, but the amount of drinking is about right in certain circles. I also noticed that the characters on the show do not seem very religious compared to present-day America (which, again, is also true of present-day Russia), but maybe it just hasn't been a topic on the show yet. Anyway, the similarities were kind of creepy.


* I was asked to choose excursions, so the first thing I did is go down the list and cross out everything involving floatplanes, helicopters, and ziplines. Then I chose snorkelling and a tour of an abandoned mine. I only mention this because I'm watching my brother play Super Mario and remembering how much I suck at air worlds but am actually pretty good at underground worlds. I am consistent if nothing else.

** I once had a plan to invent a time machine and travel back to that era to go shopping and also hang out around optometrists' offices and pick up men. The physical impossibility of a) time travel and b) fitting into 1960s clothes did not deter me. This series totally did.

Once this seemed so appealing

My allergies are making me suffer. And as much as I try to tell myself that allergies are just God's way of reminding us that our immune system is working, or that I have it pretty easy compared to all the people with food allergies, I am still feeling pretty sorry for myself.

Here's a Friday Five (more like a Sunday Ten, but whatever) to cheer me up:

Theme: International Travel
1. You have the summer and plenty of money to travel abroad. Where all would you go?
Okay, so this was actually a writing assignment for my Russian class, but we had to make a whole years' worth of plans. This is probably the only assignment I completed within a couple hours of its being assigned. I can't remember the exact plan, though it was something like this:

June - Australia, Tanzania, Zambia

July - Costa Rica, Peru, the Galapagos Islands

August - Kamchatka, Murmansk, Petrozavodsk, Arkhangelsk, maybe St. Petersburg

2. What foods would you be sure you got to eat?
Seeing as I've been to McDonald's in every country I've visited, I have to continue that tradition.

The countries on that list aren't exactly famous for their food. In Australia, I'd be sure to have Chinese and Indian food, both of which are hard to find and pretty expensive in Russia. I would also try kangaroo at least once.

I really know nothing about African food, but I do love ostrich meat, so that's probably what I'd eat.

I also don't know anything about food in Costa Rica or Peru, though in both cases I have heard that there is lots of seafood and it is awesome. So I'd buy a guidebook and eat what it told me to eat. I would also have to try Inca Kola, one of only two local soft drinks to outsell Coca-Cola anywhere in the world.

In Russia, well, I'd eat the same stuff that I do now (mostly cold soup, which sounds a lot sadder than it is).

3. What landmarks would you be sure you got to see?
In Australia, I'd mostly be visiting my friend, who lives near Melbourne, but I would also like to go to Tasmania to see some weird animals, Sydney to see the opera house, and somehow I'd learn to go SCUBA diving and see the Great Barrier Reef.

In Zambia, I would like to see Victoria Falls because they look really beautiful. In Tanzania, I would like to climb Mt. Kilmanjaro. Actually, I'd probably give up after the first day as I am afraid of heights, but it'd be worth a try what with the unlimited budget and all.

In Costa Rica and on the Galapagos islands, I would be all about the weird animals. In Peru, which is probably the place I am most interested in, I would visit lots and lots of archaeological sites. I would visit churches in both Costa Rica and Peru.

Kamchatka has interesting geology, Arkhangelsk and Murmansk are cities that I'm told you don't really need to spend more than a couple days in, and Petrozavodsk has Kizhi island, which is basically a museum of wooden architecture. I'd spend the rest of the time (assuming there is any) in St. Petersburg, visiting the Hermitage and the palaces and fortresses around the city.

4. What airline would you use?
Any one with a decent safety record. Since I'm short and average-weight, there's no reason whatsoever for me to be picky about airlines.

5. Would your knowledge of other languages influence where you went? (i.e. would you be more likely to go to France if you spoke French?)
From the list above, it looks like it would, but that's really just coincidence. Anywhere I went, I'd stick to cities and touristy places, at least until I got more comfortable, which would probably happen fastest in Australia (where I speak the language and look like everyone else) and slowest in Peru (where I don't).

The second set is about travel within the USA.

Theme: USA Road Trip
1. Who would you take with you on a road trip?
Somebody who can drive.

2. What states would you visit?
Good question. I would really like to visit Chicago (again), Boston, Philadelphia, Washington D.C. (again), Atlanta, and New Orleans. Those are cities rather than states. And I would go to Florida because I want to drive on that bridge that connects the Florida keys.

3. What national parks and/or monuments would you go see?
I want to see Carlsbad Caverns and Niagara Falls. I also want to go back to Lassen, Yellowstone, and Denali. This last would be a rather long drive.

4. Las Vegas: Overrated or a Must-See?
I seem like the type of person who would say overrated, but actually I think it's a total must-see.

5. How long would you be gone?
As long as it takes!


So it seems like this Friday Five was pretty much written for me, but actually it makes me kind of sad because I don't have the time, money, or driving ability to do any of this. Yet. I have a student who responds to half of what I say with "you sound like somebody who went from Vladivostok to Moscow by train." This has become my defining characteristic as far as that student is concerned.

What will actually cheer me up: going home in three days!

I'll kill myself if Portugal doesn't win

The Russian team won a soccer match last night. Actually, it's kind of a bigger deal than that. The Russian team, which I'm told was in last place going in, beat the Dutch team in the quarterfinals of the European championship, sending Russia to the semifinals for the first time ever ("ever," by the way, is 17 years). I was watching this in a restaurant with a group of people. Nobody scored for a really long time, then both teams scored at the last minute, so the game went into overtime, during which Russia scored twice, for a 3-1 result. It was pretty exciting. One of my students was actually at the game, which must have been really exciting.

People on the streets last night were crazy, but in a peaceful way. I've been here twice for New Years' and I have never seen such excitement. Everybody was cheering. Some people had fireworks. I saw one guy who had climbed onto one of the WALK/DON'T WALK lights and was just sitting there waving his shirt. Like I said, crazy.

Naturally, I did not bring my camera.


Anyway, I'll do the first Friday Five in a long time (for some reason, I just forgot about it). But first I have a question of my own.

Why didn't anybody *tell* me that Viggo Mortensen was hot!?
a) "It always seemed like stating the obvious."
b) "I did. Several times. You said he needed a haircut."
c) "Did he show up somewhere wearing glasses?"
d) "He's not hot."
e) "If this is about 'Eastern Promises,' I am revoking your visa."


Okay, now on to the (kind of oddly phrased) Friday Five:
1) what is one thing about you that you hate?
One? I'm going to go with my lack of social skills here.

2) what is one thing about you that you love?
Trivia-brain!

3) if you had to change one thing about you what would it be and why?
I would be much, much better at dealing with people. I would never put my foot in my mouth or worry about doing so. I'd make eye contact with people, including but not limited to, attractive males. And I'd be able to manipulate people, but I'd use it for good rather than evil. Like somebody would tell me their problems and instead of saying "you really need to get over that" I could manipulate them into feeling better! And I'd be able to do that bitchy thing where you make fun of somebody but you do so so subtlely that they don't realize it until a few hours later, or they realize it but can't say anything because you're so subtle that they'd just come off as really defensive. That ability is like a hairdryer. I wouldn't ever use it, but it's weird to be a female without it.

4) what is one word that you would use to define yourself?
Polite.

5) imagine what you would look like in a perfect world...what do you look like?
In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to look any different. That said, I'd like to be able to change my appearance at will. I would mostly use this for changing the color of my nails without having to wait for the nail polish to dry.

Extended warranty? How could I lose!?

So, I made it home in one piece but haven't felt like answering any of the recent Friday Fives. Tomorrow I am going on a cruise to Alaska with my family. This is exciting because I get to go snorkelling for the first time ever.* Also, free food, a giant boat with a swimming pool and library, rainy weather, and opportunities to dress formally.

Back when I did high school debate, we started the debate by defining our terms. For example, if the resolution is: "Civil disobedience is justified," you have to decide exactly what constitutes civil disobedience. Is it always peaceful or can it be violent? Can it include property damage? Refusal to pay taxes? Stockpiling weapons? You get the idea. Then you have to provide a definition of "justified" because, if you don't, your opponent will frame the debate in terms of legal justification and then you have already lost. (Unless the judge doesn't know what they're doing, which happened more often than not).

It occurred to me that things might be easier if I started doing this in other areas of life. So I present:

The List of Terms to Define Before Going on Vacation

1. "vacation" - relaxing? sightseeing? shopping? thinking about work the whole time?
2. "nice" - specifically: nice hotel, nice weather, nice dinner
3. "pack light"
4. "sleep in"
5. "walking distance"
6. "most people" and "speak English"
7. and, finally, "affordable" and "reasonable" These are two very different things!

I stopped the list there because I got distracted making this chart:

Reasonability is a function of value, so the better something is, the more you can charge for it. Things which are out of your price range (illuminated manuscripts, five-star accommodation, designer shoes) may still be reasonably priced for what they are. You just can't afford them. Reasonability comes into play at the lower end of the chart, too. Say you have $100 budgeted for a new pair of shoes. You see a pair of flip-flops for $70. They're well within your budget, but you're not going to buy them because $70 is simply not a reasonable price to pay for flip-flops.

When I first made the chart, affordability was a straight line going across, determined by your budget. But in reality, there's some distortion when the lines cross, creating what I like to call the "life is short" spike. This is when you talk yourself into spending a little bit more than you should because it seems like a unique opportunity. This explains things like green shoes, hard-to-find short story collections, or buying a first-class ticket because then you'll be able to say that you've travelled on all the classes of Russian trains. So some people are more affected by the "life is short" spike than others.

At the very high end, when you can no longer afford anything, you start to exaggerate just how much by. This is where you start saying things like "those boots are worth more than I make in a year" or "I'd have to sell my firstborn child before I could buy that car." Or, "and I still wouldn't be able to buy that car" if your firstborn child is likely to be a nearsighted photosensitive little thing with stupid allergies. So some people are more affected by the poverty exaggeration decline than others.

This post is kind of all over the place, but check out the graph I made.

Other stuff I need to do: take up smoking, line apartment with asbestos, sleep around lots

So I'm back from Volgograd, but there's something else I need to get off my chest.

I have this issue every summer. Actually, I had this issue year-round growing up and I'm happy to be living in a place with actual seasons because I get nine months where I don't have to hear this.

"This" is: "You need a tan" or some variant thereof.

Is there a good response to this? I don't have a good response to this. I usually just say that I can't get one, which is true. Occasionally somebody will be enough of an idiot to argue, but all I can do is repeat myself.

What I'd like to say, though, is this:

"Thank you for your concern. Tell me what option you think is best:
First, I could lie in the sun like most people do. This will give me terrible burns but in a few weeks, after all the badly damaged skin has peeled off, I might be a little bit darker. As an added bonus, before long you'll be able to lecture me about how old I look.
Second, I could go to a tanning bed. This will most likely give me cancer, but at least we'll have a few good years between your lecture on how I need a tan and your lecture on how I need a wig.
Third, I could cover myself with chemicals that I don't really know the long-term effects of. But it's nice that I can rely on you to lecture me when they apply unevenly or turn me orange.
Or, finally, you could fuck off, mind your own business, and stop looking at me if it bothers you so much."

I had to get that off my chest. But I will never say that in real life. Politeness has nothing to do with it. It's that I basically have no self-confidence where this issue is concerned. If you want to completely ruin my day, maybe my week, point it out.

If you hate your arms, you wear long sleeves. If you hate your legs, wear long pants. If you hate your hips, wear a dark-colored A-line skirt. What do you do when you hate your skin? It's kinda everywhere. Move to Saudi Arabia or get over it, I guess. English teachers are pretty well-paid in Saudi Arabia.


Actually, one of my students (that one...sigh*) told me I had a beautiful complexion the week before last (yeah, I don't know, either). As that was the first and last time I'll ever hear that, I celebrated by going out for lunch. I ordered sushi and an Irish coffee. A couple days later, it occurred to me that that might be the whitest lunch ever. (I'm pretty sure I was wearing a scarf, too, as I am always wearing a scarf). But said student is seriously on my good side forever, even if that wasn't actually what he was trying to say.


* Yeah, I lost that argument when my contract hours increased for the summer. Though it was acknowledged that that facial expression is, indeed, creepy, and that I should never make it again, it was also pointed out that my contract hours were increasing and I never actually make eye contact with males I find attractive anyway. I could not refute either of those arguments, but it's only for a couple weeks, anyway.

I want it more than I can tell

I am suddenly having an awful week. For one thing, it is six days long. Russia doesn't do "observed" holidays, so if an important holiday falls on a Thursday or Tuesday, you get the Friday or Monday off. Or, rather, the Friday or Monday is moved to a weekend day.

For example, June 12 (Thursday) is Independence Day (the day Russia adopted its constitution). This year, we get both June 12 and June 13 off, making a four-day weekend. But, to make up for this, everyone has to work on Saturday. I am using the four-day weekend to go to Volgograd (20-24 hours by train, so not really doable on a three-day weekend). I bought the tickets earlier in the week and everything has gone downhill ever since. But the effect of that is that I am happy to be having a mini-holiday soon. So I guess it all works out.


I saw "Enchanted" the other day. I loved the premise. I liked the first half. I began to hate it after I realized where they were going with it. As far as I can understand, the point of the film is that what men actually want is some hot, dumb, inappropriately dressed girl to clean up after them. This is sexist and depressing.

And it's not often that I find a movie sexist. In fact, the only movie I can remember saying that about was "Sin City."* Honestly, I never really found the Disney cartoons to be sexist. My generation's Disney cartoons, in particular, kind of went out of their way not to be. But even the older cartoons just don't seem sexist to me. "Sleeping Beauty," for example, has three male characters, none of whom get much screen time. The rest of the characters, including the good and evil fairies, who drive the story, are all female and all kind of varied, character-wise. Is it kind of silly that "Cinderella" (and most of the other ones, too) ends with her marrying the prince and living happily ever after even though they didn't meet all that long before? Yes, but it's certainly not sexist, since, you know, the prince is doing the exact same thing. "Beauty and the Beast" (my favorite one!) is interesting in that the main character doesn't really gain anything by being beautiful. In fact, it kind of causes more problems than it solves. There are not a lot of movies like that.

So it's kind of funny that "Enchanted" strikes me as way more sexist than the films it was making fun of. Kind of funny. Mostly sad. Definitely not a film I'd take a kid to see.


Anyway, I got tagged for a book meme over a month ago, but got distracted by work, Perm, Eurovision, and work.

The closest book is the same travel book again:

Since they take the most direct route between cities the savings in time can be considerable over slow trains and meandering buses. Typically you will find drivers offering this service outside bus terminals. Someone in your party must speak Russian to negotiate a price with the driver that typically works out to about R5 per kilometre.

I feel less bad about this now because my mother and my brother also had practical-sounding books.

I'd like to also do my mother's version of the same meme, but this is harder because all of my page 123s are so boring (she had a really good one, though I have no idea what it is). I've got two so far.

Too easy:

Speed.
More important than any of those things, however, was one final requirement.
Luck.

This one is funny to me because I'm pretty sure these are the least distinctive three sentences in this book:

Why did you do it, why? But I'll save you. I'll save you.



* And I take that back now. When I saw it, it bothered me that all the female characters were sex workers and/or victims. The more I think about it, though, the more I think that that's totally accurate for the environment of the film.

Can't stand no more

Every summer, the hot water goes off for 2 to 4 weeks while workers prepare the pipes for winter. It happens at different times in different cities (or, if you live in a big enough city, different areas of the city). Russians cannot fathom a world in which this does not happen. But then they also don't have the concept of running out of hot water on a regular basis.

The hot water usually goes off in mid-July. I was planning to be long gone by that time this year. This year, the hot water went off on May 12. What's more, the central heating system in the flats depends on hot water (don't ask me to explain because I do not know) and it has been a very cold May until this week.

So that's why I haven't updated. I'm too busy heating pots of water on the stove every time I want to take a bath or wash the dishes.

The good news is, the hot water should be back any day now. I cannot wait.


The other good news is, Russia totally won Eurovision on Saturday. More importantly, Dima Bilan won Eurovision.

Dima Bilan is a popstar with a mullet. He is also ultra hot. Don't ask me to explain because I do not know. Anyway, he won the Eurovision with a very, very Eurovision song and performance:

That's Yevgeny Plushenko, just in case Russia's win wasn't already a foregone conclusion.

I must admit, I didn't care for the song. I much prefer the 2006 entry, which got second place:

He can't really dance. It adds to his charm. My coworkers performed this song (and dance!) for my birthday that year.

Anyway, last year I promised a treatise on Eurovision, which never came. That was before I found out about YouTube. YouTube and Wikipedia together will tell you everything you need to know about Eurovision. Particularly insane performances include: Litunania 2006, Ukraine 2007, and Latvia 2008. Songs I actually kinda liked: Bosnia and Herzegovina 2006, Sweden 2007, France 2007, Germany 2007 (I liked Eurovision 2007). Winners: Greece 2005, Finland 2006, Serbia 2007.

The awesome news is, because of Russia's win, Eurovision will be in Moscow next year. If I could afford tickets or stand crowds, I would so be there.

Now I try to be amused

A few months ago, I decided that I'd wear flats more often. I travel around the city a lot for work, and I like to walk a lot, and wearing heels every day is not comfortable anymore. So I alternate, and when I go to a shoe store I head straight for the flats section because I am good and practical now. I am not, however, very interesting, as my four spring shoe purchases will show:

(Front to back: pointed-toe flat with buckle, pointed-toe flat with buckle, pointed-toe low-heel with buckle, reward for being so practical, also with buckle).

It wasn't until I saw them all together that I noticed that. In total, it makes 12 buckles on 4 pairs of shoes. Anyway, I offer this not to brag about how many shoes I have, or to get advice on where to find pointed-toe flats that don't have buckles, or to join the number of shoeblogs out there, or even because it helped me out, title-wise, but because it's the only explanation I have for the question that sets off the mother of all horrifying student conversations:

Me: [Saying something to the effect of America actually has a unique culture despite not being a very old country].
Student: Are all Americans Puritans like you?
M: I am not a Protestant.
S: [thinking]
M: But do you know what Calvinism is? It has a huge influence on American culture.
S: No, I want to ask: do all Americans believe in no sex outside family?
M: Oh my goodness, no!! That's just something we say about groups of people we don't--[at this point I get what he's asking and start laughing].
S: [Has the nerve to look annoyed by my lack of professionalism].
M: [Laughs some more because student has the nerve to look annoyed by my lack of professionalism]. You have *got* to rephrase that.
S: Yes, I can see that.

What makes it funny is how serious he was. Like it was a grammar question or something.

(And, according to this survey, the answer is 32%).

Drop another line like Decoto with the Kurds

Because I am unable to go for three whole days without internet access, I am on an old computer in a crowded, inadequately air-conditioned post office. I complain, but it reminds me so much of last summer that I actually feel kind of happy.

The very least I can give you is a horrifying student conversation. This one also doubles as a nationality test. I asked the student about his work history:

S: When I was at university, I had a business selling chemical substances.
M: Really.
S: Yes, for people to clean their houses.
M: Ah. You should find another way to say that.
[in the end we settled on "household cleaners" and a great laugh was had by all]
S: And after that, I sold pirated DVDs.

Nationality test: Does that last line make the story any funnier? If so, you are probably American.

But I do what I can

Tomorrow I am leaving for Perm, which is one of the cities I missed on my summer trip. There are ice caves nearby. They might be closed due to flooding (it's a nearby river, not extreme global warming), but I can't get any information on that. I will be horribly disappointed if they are, but I don't really have a choice about when my holidays are, and there is other stuff to see. I suppose I will find out.

It's 20.5 hours from Moscow to Perm, but I went to the Crimea on a 24-hour train a couple years ago, and from Khabarovsk to Ulan-Ude for 51 hours this summer. So I think I'll manage.

What this all means is that I'm going to be out of town for the inauguration on May 7 (in fact, I'm going to be on a train for most of May 7), when Dmitry Medvedev will be sworn in as the President of Russia. With the help of an endorsement from Putin, Medvedev won the election back in March with 70% of the vote, meaning that there were other candidates, too.

I pay attention to politics, but I don't worry much about Russian politics (I learned my lesson worrying about American politics, so I'm not about to start with a new country) as long as I can still have a visa. On an entirely superficial level, though, I am going to miss Putin, at least until he becomes Prime Minister. This is because, like a lot of women in Russia, I have a huge crush on him. That's wrong on a few levels (morally, politically, half-plus-sevenly until 2026), but what can you do?

Anyway, back in 2004 when I was taking a class about Russian politics I read somewhere that there was a pop song about him. This made me feel less weird. By the time I came to Russia, it wasn't very popular anymore, though I heard it a couple times.

It wasn't until today, thanks to YouTube, that I learned that there is an English (sort of) version, which I am posting here. I have no idea why there exists an English version of this song. But could there be a more appropriate song for this moment in history? Probably, but you know I'm kind of lazy.



Other stuff about Putin: Like me, he is right-handed but wears his watch on his right hand. Unlike me, he is the President of Russia. He has also visited Zelenograd, but it was a business visit, so I didn't see him, and he wasn't giving autographs. I did, however, get to see the conference room where the meeting was held (one of my colleagues actually teaches in there. So unfair!)

When I get back Russia will have a new president and I'll do the book memes (the only book nearby right now is a travel book. Page 123 has some advice on taking taxis), post pictures from the holiday and a couple of horrifying student conversations.

Avoiding the mirror

Not much going on in my life, though I did accidentally agree to marry one of my students (and not the one you'd think). I was trying to explain the difference between a proposal and a suggestion:
Me: So give me an example of a proposal.
Student: Will you marry me?
M: Yes. And a sug--
...
M: No!

I also got new glasses. A few weeks ago, a coworker of mine was trying to make me feel bad about wearing such thick glasses because, apparently, she is eight years old. Feeling bad about wearing glasses is so far outside my frame (hee!) of reference that I didn't even realize what she was trying to do until a couple hours later. What's the comeback to that, anyway?

I didn't have one, so, as you can see, I went out and purchased me some aggressively nerdy glasses. Now I can alternate between these ones and my old ones, depending on what matches my outfit more closely. Is that weird? I also bought my first pair of prescription sunglasses, which are not ready yet. That made me feel a bit old, but I really need them. Sadly, my head is too small for fasionable (read: giant) sunglasses. It has to do with centering the lenses or something like that. Something tells me I could get what I wanted if I spent a lot, but I'm not rich and don't bother trying to look nice when the sun is out anyway. Oh well.

If you're wondering why my face looks so weird in that picture, it's not the glasses. I was anticipating an argument in which I'd need that facial expression, found that I was incapable of making eyes at myself in the mirror, tried making eyes at the wall and then stepping in front of the mirror but couldn't hold the expression, and then, finally, remembered that I have a digital camera. In the end, there wasn't an argument, but I did get a picture of my new glasses (also note new dress).

The argument that never actually happened was about a good-looking guy who I didn't want to teach. I figured it would go something like this:
Me: He doesn't want to learn English! He just wants to pay some American girl to spend a few hours a week looking at him like this [makes now-perfected moony-eyed expression]
My boss: I think we should pay you never to make that face ever again.
Me: And also could I not teach this guy?
My boss: It's a deal!

It turns out that I wasn't going to have to teach that guy anyway. But that's why the picture looks funny. I was also anticipating an argument in which I'd need to not have any eyebrows.

Normal shoe weather is upon us!

Actually, it's that time of year when it's cold enough to wear boots but warm enough to wear normal shoes. In other words, it's the best time of year, shoe-wise.

It's still too cold to justify open-toed shoes. Unless you're from California:


But if I were actually in California, I'd be standing next to a girl wearing a sundress and uggs accompanied by a guy wearing shorts, a sweatshirt, and hiking boots.

Anyway, this picture is from last week, when we went to the Bolshoi to see "Nabucco" by Verdi. We had a choice between ballet and opera but chose the opera because the plot sounded more interesting.

I also worry that, having grown up on Mark Morris, I'd be confused and frightened by a more traditional ballet. (I've heard, for example, that male characters are never played by females and vice-versa. And that they're all really, really thin). Obviously, I'd respond by giggling inappropriately.

This time I was worried because I did not like the first opera I saw there ("Eugene Onegin" by Tchaikovsky) at all.*

I liked this one a lot, though. The music and acting were good enough to draw me in despite the fact that I don't understand Italian or Russian. That's about all I can say, since I know very little about music in general or opera in particular.

I did love the set design. It was simple but not. You can kind of see it in this photo I took during the curtain call:

See how simple? The walls on the side with all the Hebrew writing rotate. There's Cuneiform on the other side. The walls would change position depending on where the action was supposed to be taking place. The stairs at the back represent the temple, and the idol, which was a tower in this production, is projected onto the screen behind the stairs. The props were also made out of either Hebrew letters (shields) or stylus marks (swords, furniture, a prison).

When I say that we went to the Bolshoi, I don't mean the famous theatre. That's the Main Bolshoi, and it's being rennovated (I was there in 2005, about a month before the rennovations started. The curtain was very old-looking and had U.S.S.R. symbols woven into it). We went to the New Bolshoi, which is much smaller (some people call it the "Malenki Bolshoi," which translates to "Small Big").

It is also worth noting that I got to wear the dress that I had made in China.


Because I forgot that we were in Russia, I explained that you can't bring food or drinks into the theatre. I also banned jeans and unflattering haircuts. I was quite scandalized to see the be-mulleted, jeans-wearing young people a couple seats down pull out bags of potato chips and bottles of coke during intermission. And then I remembered that we were in Russia. They also stopped eating at the end of intermission and were totally quiet during the performance, so I couldn't really complain.


* I know this isn't relevant to the post, but I have to get this off my chest: Why did they change "duel" to "struggle during which gun accidentally goes off?!?" Why does Tatiana knock over the table? Why does the protagonist show up waving a gun around at the end? Why did I feel like both the composer and the producers (mostly the producers, I'm told) should have adapted something by Dostoevsky and left poor Pushkin alone?

I will be needing to get off in four minutes

One of the things students have the most trouble with is the phrasal verb.

A phrasal verb consists of a verb and a preposition, which together have a meaning that is not necessarily related to either the verb or the preposition.

Consider the verb "pick" and object "nose":
When I was young, I used to pick my nose.
When I was young, the other kids used to pick on my nose.
When I turned 18, I picked out a new one.
After the surgery, I couldn't stop picking at it.

Students, understandably, hate phrasal verbs. They point out that a lot of phrasal verbs could be replaced with other, more specific, verbs. For example:
When I was young, the other kids used to mock my nose.
When I turned 18, I selected a new one.

I just tell them that, if they want to sound like Dr. Evil, that's their business, but they still have to understand other people when they speak.


To keep this post reasonably short, I won't even get into the grammar rules* (Does the object go before or after the preposition? Nobody knows!). Just take my word for it that they are ultra difficult.


As if all that weren't bad enough, the same phrasal verb can have a number of different meanings:

Ivan Yakovlevich picked up the nose and went to the bridge to throw it away.
Major Kovalev watched as a government carriage picked up his nose and drove it to the next house.
He was distressed because, without a nose, he was unable to pick up women.
The police picked up the nose on its way to Riga.
Soon the whole city had picked up the story.
I haven't picked up enough Russian to read the original.
The professor berated her students for not picking up on the real meaning of the story.

(And I wonder why nobody picks up when I call).

Even without reading the footnote, you can see why students would find these confusing. But, as the following two conversations, which happened about a week apart, demonstrate, native speakers also have trouble with phrasal verbs:

A: One of my students picked me up today.
B: They know where you live? Or was it from here?
A: No, I mean he literally picked me up.
B: You mean tried to, right? Please tell me that your student just tried to pick you up and failed because you have a boyfriend and--
A: NO! I mean literally picked me up like [picks up book to demonstrate]
B: Ohh! That's weird.
A: I thought so, but it seems a lot less weird now.

A: Yeah, that doctor is creepy.
C: Why creepy?
A: I think he tried to pick me up.
C: Maybe he just needed to see how much you weigh. Was he prescribing anything?
A: That is so not what I meant. I mean pick up like ask out. He tried to pick up [translator], too.
C: Well, if you had just started with that.

And, for the record, I don't know why I thought that pick up even had a literal meaning.


* Oh, who am I kidding?
Most phrasal verbs fall into one of three categories:

1. Phrasal verbs with no direct object. For Example:
George ran away.
The house fell over.

Simple, right?

2. Inseparable phrasal verbs, in which the verb and preposition are always together. For example:
Michael looked for the documents.
Wine turns into alcohol if you let it sit.

Phrasal verbs with two prepositions are almost always in this category.
The family ran out of money.
Michael came up with a plan.

But that's still pretty simple, isn't it?

3. Most phrasal verbs are separable phrasal verbs, which means that the object can be either before or after the preposition with no change in meaning. For example:
Franklin played the recording back.
OR
Franklin played back the recording.

The problem: If your phrasal verb is separable and your object is a pronoun, the object MUST be before the preposition:
The recording surprised everyone when Franklin played it back.
(Native speakers: just try putting the object after the preposition. You can't! You will choke on the words! Your fingers will refuse to type!)

And the separable/inseparable divide has nothing to do with meaning, spelling, or anything, really. You just have to memorize it. If you're a native speaker, you already have. Good job!

If you're not, allow me to apologize on behalf of the English language. Next week: idioms!

Horrifying student conversations II

"Regular feature" wasn't supposed to mean "only feature," but, as you can see, it's already Wednesday.

My students were doing a speaking test from the book:

A: How much can you tell about somebody from their appearance?
B: hmm... Thirty-five percent.
[At this point, I start laughing and cannot stop.]

A: [Student B], can you please give me an answer that involves some grammar?
[This only makes it worse]
C: Don't cry, Marin!

This was followed by Student B's explanation that he first wanted to say 45% but then decided that was too high, but he decided 10% was too low, so he chose something in the middle. To which I replied, "but...that would be 27.5%."

And yet I wonder why my students end up sounding like such nerds.

In other news, after a cold snap last week, the snow has begun the process of melting and refreezing and just being icky that heralds the arrival of spring. In a mere matter of weeks, I'll be able to wear non-boot shoes again (I love all my boots very much, but I get kind of tired of them around this time of year)!

If you break down the 35% further (how is it that I haven't already done that?), you'll find that "cute shoes" make up a substantial part of it.

Horrifying student conversations I

This is likely to become a regular feature. It practically is already, but now it gets it's own title.

Taken out of context:

Student: My wife was ill.
Me: Oh, thank goodness!


Context added:

M: How was your weekend?
S: It wasn't very good. I had a small problem.
M: I'm sorry to hear that.
S: Yes, my wife was kill.
[me, looking horrified by a) that last line, b) the fact that he described it as a "small problem" and c) that he was at work at all that day]
S: Wait...no...my wife was ill.
M: Oh, thank goodness!

I'll throw myself out, thank you

This post is about my new hat (see right). Also, dirty movies (supposedly with hats)!

This particular hat was purchased to go with my new winter coat. There would be a picture of the coat, too, if I had longer arms. Instead you get a picture of the coat collar. But mostly I just want to show off that, in addition to being stripey, my new hat has a bow on the side.

Not everybody likes the hat. My boyfriend was wondering why I bought "an old lady hat," and my boss, more tactfully, said "if I saw you on the bus, I would give up my seat."

I'm pro-hat, which is easy for me as my natural hair already looks like hat hair anyway. Actually, I'm going to try to wear hats and gloves every day this year. It annoys me that that's considered weird. I appreciate that we don't have to wear hats and gloves every time we go outside. What I don't like is that we're basically not allowed to without coming off as eccentric.

As a foreigner in Russia, I'm automatically eccentric, so that's fine. But, if I went back to America, the hat-and-glove thing would not go over. But, years ago, it would have been really, really weird not to wear them. So what happened?

Someday I'm going to totter around in my hat and gloves and reinforced-toe nylons* impressing people by telling them that I'm from the 20th century, "back when women were ladies." Yes, I am totally going to use that phrase. Totally. But I don't think I can get away with it just yet. I mean, I hope I can't. But someday...


Today, however, I write about dirty movies (and also hats)! My boyfriend has satellite TV, which includes a subscription to this block of movie channels. About half of the movies they show are in English, which I appreciate.

I was channel-surfing the other day while he was in the other room getting actual work done and I stopped on a scene of Courtney Love and some guy going riding-crop shopping. I'm not creepy (not pervy-creepy anyway), but I had to know what movie would be dumb enough to have a riding-crop salesman look so shocked that one of his customers might be buying a riding-crop for sexual purposes.

In the very next scene, my question was answered with the strains of "You Can Leave Your Hat On," which made me think:
1. Hey, this is a really famous movie scene!
2. Either this is a takeoff or screwed-up Kim Basinger looks a lot like cleaned-up Courtney Love.**
3. She has NO HAT!

Apparently, I said this last one out loud because my boyfriend had to know why I was angrily berating his beloved TV. This was embarassing:
M: Oh, because this woman is stripping and she's not wearing a hat.
D: What?
M: It's a really famous scene, but it's just stupid if she's not even wearing a hat. Though she is wearing a slip. Why don't women wear slips anymore?
D: Why are you watching dirty movies on my TV?!
M: Well, I was flipping through channels and I just had to know...you know what? Never mind.


* Fun fact: in other countries, these are called tights, but I always think of tights as patterned or opaque. I also hear Americans calling them pantyhose, which is just too much information.
** I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I'm good with names and terrible with faces.

Sooner them than me

I had (am having?) a bad couple weeks, as is customary for this time of year (thus, shopping immunity week). To start with, there were cockroaches in my apartment. Better cockroaches than ants, mice, poltergeists, pretty much anything, really, but, still, ew. Of course, I immediately called my boyfriend:
Dmitry: You could do nothing and they might go away, or you could buy some powder and sprinkle it on the floor and then go to sleep. The next morning, all the cockroaches will be on the ceiling and you can stand on a chair and vaccuum them up.
Me: What?! Why don't you have me drive a serial killer to a crowded supermarket that only sells ants? And also the serial killer is a giant ant. And I'd be wearing capri pants. And then I can go sunbathing. And then I'd come home and eat a big bowl of ketchup and apply for jobs where people die if I make mistakes.
Dmitry: It's what we did in the Soviet Union.
Me: You had ketchup in the Soviet Union?
In the end I opted for traps, and now they seem to be gone. But that was just the beginning.

Following that incident, there was a week where I managed to put my foot in my mouth every single time I tried to have a non-work-related conversation (this is a high frequency, even for me). By Wednesday I had decided that non-work-related conversations were overrated and that I would never speak ever again.

But there was a party on Thursday. You know what totally does not keep your foot out of your mouth? Champagne!

A few days later, I fell on the ice and hit my head on a parked car. That hurt.

Then at one company I almost just walked into some random office because I was too busy observing this good-looking guy to see if he was checking me out. You might argue that I was, in fact, checking him out, but really I was just observing (Conclusion: he was either checking me out or wondering where I was going. Also, my security pass doesn't let me just walk into any office).

And then I fell again. Stupid ice.

I also argued with a bunch of people, which is the result you might expect from constantly saying the exact wrong thing in every conversation. Sigh...


But enough about me. Instead I will write about how stereotypes about Russia are at least partly true. Recent conversations to demonstrate this:

Talking with some students about the recent outlawing of cigarette and alcohol commercials:
Student: And we can't drink on the street anymore.
Me: But hasn't that always been illegal? I mean technically.
Student: No, not at all. When I was a child, I could drink anywhere.

Practicing personality adjectives with another student, I asked him what kind of character was needed to do his job (he has a pretty important job):
Student: Hard-working, well-educated, good at math, umm...ambitious, umm... ...
Me [looking for "ethical"]: Is it important to follow the law?
Student: ... ...
Me: Stop thinking!

This one is just scary:
Dmitry: What is wrong with your politicians? Don't they know it's not the cold war yet?


But not all stereotypes are true, as you can see from this conversation between teachers that I heard*:
A: ...but positive stereotyping only leads to disappointment. Like before I came to Russia I thought the country would be full of chess players.
B: Chess players?
A: Yeah, I have a thing about chess players.
C: Thing about or thing for?
A: Thank you for correcting my collocation. *Anyway,* I thought the country would be full of these guys who play chess and have conservative but slightly messy hair and didn't like the Soviet Union but feel disillusioned with the current political situation. Also, they'd read Dostoevsky and wear unfasionable sweaters.
C: Well, that's very specific. And this is a positive stereotype?
A: Of course. And you know what?
B: Umm, I know that Russia is full of guys like that.
A: Yes, but they are all the same age as my parents! So you shouldn't stereotype.
C: Are you sure that was your main problem?


Usually I'd find a way to connect the next topic to the previous one, but it's Monday and I'm tired, so, in completely unrelated news, I went to the bookstore over the weekend. I had to for work, but instead of going to the crowded bookstore which I hate but which would definitely have the book I needed and in which I would not be even slighly tempted to browse, I went to the small, quiet bookstore which might have had the book I needed (it did, fortunately) and in which I knew I would spend a lot of money. And then I proceeded to spend a lot of money.

Sigh...maybe the next post will be less nerdy.


* Technically true.

Sometimes it's not so easy

I'm going to write about Russian New Year, but there are pictures to go through. There are so many things I would have written about (my entire summer, for instance) if I didn't dislike working with pictures so much. I wouldn't dislike working with pictures so much if I weren't such a perfectionist. Anyway, Russian New Year has way fewer pictures than circumnavigation summer, so perhaps I'll get to it this weekend.

I've mentioned the half plus seven rule here before, but I had assumed that it was well-known, at least among Americans. This turns out not to be true. In fact, most people I've told think that I made it up, which makes me wonder how they go about deciding who is too old or too young for them.*

In an attempt to prove that this rule is, if not universal, at least very, very well-known, I did a google search for "half plus seven." The first hit was from Urban Dictionary, but their tone annoys me (and, from the look of it, they don't realize that the formula is reversible**), so I didn't click there.

The second hit was from somebody's blog. "Hooray," I thought, "I am vindicated!" Not only does she mention the rule in a post title, but she doesn't explain it at all in the post, implying that the rule is so well-known that it doesn't need an explanation. Except that, if you look at her profile, you see that the blogger in question is actually a software engineer from the Bay Area, thus totally not proving anything. (The comic I linked to before, though not from the Bay Area, was written by a programmer).

It is also mentioned on wikipedia (which is where I got that chart from).

Sometimes when I tell people about this rule, they object to one end or the other of their age range. "But I don't WANT to date a 40-year-old," they say. So, in addition to explaining the formula, it is also worth it to explain that it's just a range, not a requirement. You can (and probably should) focus on a narrower age range. You just can't widen it without people finding you creepy.


And while we're on the subject (sort of), I've just read on a TEFL site that in Japan they no longer refer to unmarried 25-year-olds as "Christmas cake" (because nobody wants it after the 25th). I haven't been to Japan, but I'm guessing that this is a good thing. But, speaking as an unmarried 25-or-thereabouts-year-old*** (and linguistics person, which might be more relevant here), I am kind of sad to see this term disappear. I certainly preferred it to old maid (or the Russian equivalent, старая дева, which is just a direct translation).


* Don't tell me they can use their own judgement. Have you met people?
** This made me wonder if all formulae are reversible or if there's such a thing as an irreversible formula. Naturally, I turned to google again. If you understand this, can you please explain it to me?
*** My age has gone back to being shrouded in mystery. It rounds to 30, in any case.

The wires suspending my disbelief are overtaxed*

Yes, I'm still alive. Though I was home sick for a few days, and I missed the company picnic. Feel sorry for me. Not too sorry, though. Being home sick means I get to watch movies and read and just generally be lazy. The weather has been unpleasant anyway, so it's not like I'm missing going outside or anything.

Like (I think) most people, when it comes to movies, my taste in good movies is diverse, but my taste in bad-to-mediocre movies is very very predictable. I present the following examples:

1. Thrillers!
hero: There is a CONSPIRACY and if we don't find out who's at the bottom of it, more people will DIE/the government will COLLAPSE/the government will NOT COLLAPSE.
me: I wonder what's going to happen next!
[some people die]
hero: The kindly-seeming old person was behind it ALL!
me: What a clever plot twist! This is the best movie ever made.

2. Drama!
protagonist: I must solve this problem/get revenge/buy the perfect handbag
other character: Watch out, for your obsessions will one day destroy you!
me: Wow, he sure is obsessed.
[some stuff happens]
protagonist: What happened? Now I have been destroyed!
other character: Yes. By your obsessions.
me: We should all take heed.

3. Romance!
romantic lead 1: I like being alone! Alone! Aloney-aloney-alone!
animated animal/household item/hamburger: Oh, protagonist...could it be that you are AFRAID to LOVE?
me: That's stupid.
romantic lead 1: That's stupid.
romantic lead 2: Yeah, that's really stupid.
[some pop culture references]
romantic lead 1: So, it turns out that I was, in fact, afraid to love.
romantic lead 2: Me, too. Let's get married.
romantic lead 1: Yes, let's.
me: *sniff*...it's so beautiful!

The point I am trying to make is, if I say I like a movie, don't take that as a sign that you should run right out and see it.

When I was home sick, I caught two movies. One I liked, and one I was pretty neutral about.

I really liked The Prestige, which is about two rival magicians. I liked it more after I was able to tell the Edward Norton-looking character apart from the Hugh Jackman-looking character.** Anyway, I found it fascinating. So much so that I liked it in spite of its use of a real historical figure (Tesla) to drive the plot along (I HATE it when movies do this. This is why I disliked Shakespeare in Love). The plot twists aren't hard to figure out, but it's definitely worth seeing. If you're me. And probably some other people, too.

I was neutral on Happy Feet. Penguins are adorable, and I was happy that [spoiler alert!] it all ended happily, but I found it creepy that the female penguins have breasts. Also, the fact that they were singing mildly sexual pop songs. Penguins do not have sex! And if you're going to give some of your penguins stereotypical Spanish accents, could you at least try to make a plot about how they're Chilean or something?

But, more than that, it just left me confused. After Finding Nemo, I was waiting for the fish to speak up about how they don't want the humans OR the penguins to eat them. But they never did. And since when are killer whales predators? I thought they just wanted freedom. After my initial confusion, though, I was inspired. Now I'm working on a script about a plucky little diatom who teaches the plankton to swim against the current. And then everything on Earth dies. It's an adventure/comedy.

* Not to mention that I only just now realized that that's not what "suspend" means in that context. And I teach this language.
** It didn't take me long, but longer than it should have, since the "Edward Norton-looking character" was played by Hugh Jackman, and the "Hugh Jackman-looking character" was played by Christian Bale. This does not spoil any of the plot. They're not supposed to look alike. They don't look alike. I just have problems telling movie characters apart sometimes. In fact, had this problem all through March of the Penguins.