So I'm back from Volgograd, but there's something else I need to get off my chest.
I have this issue every summer. Actually, I had this issue year-round growing up and I'm happy to be living in a place with actual seasons because I get nine months where I don't have to hear this.
"This" is: "You need a tan" or some variant thereof.
Is there a good response to this? I don't have a good response to this. I usually just say that I can't get one, which is true. Occasionally somebody will be enough of an idiot to argue, but all I can do is repeat myself.
What I'd like to say, though, is this:
"Thank you for your concern. Tell me what option you think is best:
First, I could lie in the sun like most people do. This will give me terrible burns but in a few weeks, after all the badly damaged skin has peeled off, I might be a little bit darker. As an added bonus, before long you'll be able to lecture me about how old I look.
Second, I could go to a tanning bed. This will most likely give me cancer, but at least we'll have a few good years between your lecture on how I need a tan and your lecture on how I need a wig.
Third, I could cover myself with chemicals that I don't really know the long-term effects of. But it's nice that I can rely on you to lecture me when they apply unevenly or turn me orange.
Or, finally, you could fuck off, mind your own business, and stop looking at me if it bothers you so much."
I had to get that off my chest. But I will never say that in real life. Politeness has nothing to do with it. It's that I basically have no self-confidence where this issue is concerned. If you want to completely ruin my day, maybe my week, point it out.
If you hate your arms, you wear long sleeves. If you hate your legs, wear long pants. If you hate your hips, wear a dark-colored A-line skirt. What do you do when you hate your skin? It's kinda everywhere. Move to Saudi Arabia or get over it, I guess. English teachers are pretty well-paid in Saudi Arabia.
Actually, one of my students (that one...sigh*) told me I had a beautiful complexion the week before last (yeah, I don't know, either). As that was the first and last time I'll ever hear that, I celebrated by going out for lunch. I ordered sushi and an Irish coffee. A couple days later, it occurred to me that that might be the whitest lunch ever. (I'm pretty sure I was wearing a scarf, too, as I am always wearing a scarf). But said student is seriously on my good side forever, even if that wasn't actually what he was trying to say.
* Yeah, I lost that argument when my contract hours increased for the summer. Though it was acknowledged that that facial expression is, indeed, creepy, and that I should never make it again, it was also pointed out that my contract hours were increasing and I never actually make eye contact with males I find attractive anyway. I could not refute either of those arguments, but it's only for a couple weeks, anyway.
If I weren't who's to say
14 years ago
8 comments:
When I was younger, there was no such thing as sunscreen and people did not really understand the connection between the sun and skin damage. So, I am sure that I heard more comments about my skin color than you ever will. Put yourself about fifteen years in the future, when you will start to realize that you are less wrinkled than most other white people your age (don't even try to compete with other ethnic groups in the wrinkle contest because you will lose). Until then, find some equally melanin deprived friends and make jokes about your other lives as vampires.
And, you do have beautiful skin. It takes several years to get over adolescence, but take a look in the mirror, silly.
Well what did you say to them? Because I've got nothing. And all the light-skinned people I know want to be darker because society tells them they should be darker. Maybe they are also stupid, but I can't lie--if I was diagnosed with a terminal illness, the first thing I'd do is visit a tanning salon. Well, I'd tell you first, but after that it's straight to the tanning salon.
Funny thing re: losing the wrinkle contest. When I was in China, almost everybody thought I was a student, and people would even sometimes ask me where my parents were. It wasn't a cultural thing; it was usually a "you are obviously too young to buy this yourself so go ask your parents for money" thing and twice it was an "oh no! Are you lost?" thing.
I couldn't guess anyone's age there, either. Different ethnic groups just measure aging in different ways. I have no idea what the indicator is in China (obviously not wrinkles, since I have plenty of those and nobody there does), but whatever it is I don't have it yet.
You can't say anything to them. You do the correct thing when you keep saying, "I don't tan." Don't change your tone. Don't get angry. Eventually, they will give up and stop saying it. Fair skin goes in and out of style. It has mostly spent hundreds of years being in style. It meant you were too rich to go work the fields. So, I think that people assume that you don't mind being fair. Pretty much every culture has a preference for fairer skin.
If it bothers you that much, though, try some of the spray on stuff. I believe it is safe, unless you know something I don't.
I had a bright white girl in my class at Webb. She was very conscious about skin cancer and all, but her research found no negative effects to the tanning sprays. There is a problem with the spray stuff though...If you don't apply it perfectly; you end up looking a little orange. One day when Kathleen was looking particularly orange, I brought it up in a conversation with her, she said she would rather people called her orange then that people told her she needed a tan. I just don’t understand it.
Anyway, you should go to Ireland, people there would probably comment on how dark you are. If all the Irish women were to step outside at the same time then the sun reflecting off them could probably be seen in space.
Oh, and my experience with China is that all the shop keepers know very very badly translated English phrases to try and flatter the people walking in. It’s very possible that they know that phrase is potentially flattering to someone in there 50’s, but they are not aware it is rather offensive to someone in their 20’s. On Tuesday I walked past one of the many bums in Oakland, and he called out to me “Hey Teenager.” What is a bum doing making assumptions about somebody based on their looks? Not to mention I was coming from work, so I was dressed in my “business casual” attire.
Maybe Russians assume I don't mind. There's no excuse for Americans, though. And I also think it's wrong for other cultures to prefer fairer skin. Lightening creams contain ingredients that have been linked to skin cancer. If your standard requires people to put their lives in danger to meet it, your standard is morally wrong.
I never had very good luck with self-tanners and the chemicals do kind of creep me out (lately it seems like a lot of things that were perfectly safe are suddenly not safe). A few years ago, I just threw all of mine away. Besides, it feels like giving in when what I and the rest of the world really need to do is get over it. I'm working on it. The rest of the world is not, but someday I'm not going to care. Nobody's forcing them to look at me anyway.
Plus, jerks always find something to criticize. I will be too orange or not orange enough or just the right amount of orange but suddenly too fat or something like that.
Teenager: When were you in China? And where did you go? I miss a lot. Though I guess you didn't do much shopping. It's true that shopkeepers don't speak great English, but my experience is that they are even less flattering than Russian shopkeepers. 1. "You like it? Where is your mother? I'll give her a good price." is not likely to be flattering to anyone. 2. One shopkeeper thought it was the funniest thing in the world that everything in the shop was too small for me. I can't really see that happening in America (at least not while I was still in the store!). 3. Let's see...I was also informed that I have wide feet, I am very short for an American, and apparently my arms are thinner than my legs because I either eat or walk too much (all these things are true, but still! And aren't arms supposed to be thinner than legs?).
I'm making China sound awful, but it really wasn't!
Wow, there's so much to comment on! I shouldn't have waited. First: yes, arms are generally supposed to be thinner than legs! And yes, there's no excuse for Americans!
CMB: the comment on Irish skin made me laugh, especially since I just had outpatient surgery (AGAIN) for a problem related to my Irish skin. I was at a party recently -- it must have been my friends' annual World Series party, because I can't think of another party I've been to for the past, oh, two decades, where the majority of guests didn't share my genetic make-up -- and this woman didn't believe at first that I was Portuguese because I "didn't have that beautiful olive skin." Great, thanks for noticing! I pointed out that, as my first name reveals, there's a lot of Irish in me, and unfortunately I inherited Irish skin.
When I had my eye surgery in Boston -- I'm going to cut this story really short and leave out some funny parts, so I hope it makes some sense -- I almost passed out (it was almost 1:00 in the afternoon and I had not been allowed even to drink water all day, and when they came for my eyelashes with the scissors I almost lost it, and besides I have a tendency to pass out) and they made me lie on the only available gurney, even when a fragile old lady came in and I tried to get up and the two women nurses pushed me back down and said, "Well, she'll just have to stand," at which point I kind of felt they might as well cut my balls off as well as taking my eye out of its socket, and one of the nurses tried to lighten the mood by making jokes that she was going to have to put make-up on me because I was so pale (see the previous remark about my balls) until it finally dawned on me that they didn't realize that dead, dead white was my natural skin color, especially in January, the palest month of the year.
Although I sympathize with your "fuck off" response to those who tell you to get a tan, I think you have come up with a good answer. But have you ever tried just saying, "Why?" to them? It kind of puts the burden on them to give a reason, and the shock might actually make them realize how rude they are. Or not.
CMB: About a year ago I was walking down Telegraph Ave, going to a concert, and wearing a new light purple shirt (darker than lavender, but not like purple purple) and a street person in rags lying no doubt in a puddle of his own piss shouted at me, "I hate your shirt!" The really stupid thing is that I now feel really self-conscious whenever I wear that shirt, although it has been complimented by people who, you know, are standing upright and even manage to hold down jobs.
You know what else makes you look too orange? The passport photos at Walgreen's! I guess my $8.67 did not buy me either photoshop or retake privileges. I suggested that I looked a little orange and the woman assured me that I look like that. Because apparently I look like a muppet.
By the way, what time are you coming in next Wednesday? Will you be there for Wednesday night dinner? That would be fun.
Post a Comment