Vampire readers: feel free to weigh in

Because I know everything, I've concluded that, if I made movies then they'd either be about 10 minutes long or really, really boring. It would look something like this:
1. protagonists meet and fall in love
2. they arrange to be together then go on with their lives

Or this:
1. protagonists don't fall in love because it's inadvisable
2. they go on with their lives

I know this because during movies I tend to say stuff like this:
"He should just bite her and then they could be vampires together."
a few minutes later...
"Okay, he should wait four years, then bite her, so she can buy alcohol for them."

Yeah, so, I watched "Twilight" yesterday. I have to say, I liked it. I wonder if so many people hated it because it was so popular. I do kind of wish that it was either a dark and serious movie or a romantic one, and not trying to be all middle ground. What I mean is, the film is too dark and depressing for you to feel happy at the end, but at the same time I was left wondering why anyone wouldn't want to be a vampire. A less serious film would be mindless fluff, but there is a place for mindless fluff in the world.

A more serious film would have focused more on positive and negative aspects of vampirism. Do more recently-changed vampires shy away from eating people because they remember what it's like to be human? Is it that older vampires grew up during a time when there was less respect for human life? Or is it just a coincidence that the non-human-eating vampires in the movie tend to be younger? I thought it was interesting that they would kill an evil vampire but not evil humans. What's with all the self-hatred? Why hide from humans? Why not just be like "hey, we're vampires but we only eat animals. Unless you bother us. Is that going to be a problem for you?" I would like these questions answered.

So I guess my main complaint about Twilight is that it isn't X-Men.

I also wanted to say something about how you shouldn't sneak into your girlfriend's house and watch her sleep, but that sort of implies that it's ok to sneak into other people's houses and watch them sleep, or to sneak into your girlfriend's house for reasons other than sleep-watching. My actual advice is, don't sneak into ANYONE'S house.

I never thought you were a fool

Here is a test of your decision-making skills:

You wake up on Saturday morning feeling depressed. You:
a) drag yourself into the city to do something touristy
b) call your family
c) buy some shoes
d) decide you're going to sit this one out and buy enough provisions so as not to have to leave your apartment all weekend

So, about those provisions:
a) something healthy, balanced, with lots of potassium, because you have read that this is good for improving your mood
b) bread and water because there are millions of people in the world who live on less and why do you deserve any better than they do?
c) vodka, which you have also read is good for improving your mood
d) cookies 'n' cream because you are apparently five years old

Okay, FINE. But your apartment is pretty boring. Let's watch a DVD:
a) "Flight of the Conchords"
b) "Stranger than Fiction"
c) "Kung-Fu Panda"
d) "Atonement"

...I think you get the idea. Intellectually, I know that there are much, much better ways of dealing with a bad mood, though I actually do feel better now. Except my stomach hates me (but I am not alone). I have no idea why I keep thinking dairy products = comfort food.

Anyway, "Atonement" is seriously depressing, but it is a good movie, and I almost regret reading the book first just because it was so much better. Well, the book didn't have James McAvoy. So there's that.

I want it more than I can tell

I am suddenly having an awful week. For one thing, it is six days long. Russia doesn't do "observed" holidays, so if an important holiday falls on a Thursday or Tuesday, you get the Friday or Monday off. Or, rather, the Friday or Monday is moved to a weekend day.

For example, June 12 (Thursday) is Independence Day (the day Russia adopted its constitution). This year, we get both June 12 and June 13 off, making a four-day weekend. But, to make up for this, everyone has to work on Saturday. I am using the four-day weekend to go to Volgograd (20-24 hours by train, so not really doable on a three-day weekend). I bought the tickets earlier in the week and everything has gone downhill ever since. But the effect of that is that I am happy to be having a mini-holiday soon. So I guess it all works out.


I saw "Enchanted" the other day. I loved the premise. I liked the first half. I began to hate it after I realized where they were going with it. As far as I can understand, the point of the film is that what men actually want is some hot, dumb, inappropriately dressed girl to clean up after them. This is sexist and depressing.

And it's not often that I find a movie sexist. In fact, the only movie I can remember saying that about was "Sin City."* Honestly, I never really found the Disney cartoons to be sexist. My generation's Disney cartoons, in particular, kind of went out of their way not to be. But even the older cartoons just don't seem sexist to me. "Sleeping Beauty," for example, has three male characters, none of whom get much screen time. The rest of the characters, including the good and evil fairies, who drive the story, are all female and all kind of varied, character-wise. Is it kind of silly that "Cinderella" (and most of the other ones, too) ends with her marrying the prince and living happily ever after even though they didn't meet all that long before? Yes, but it's certainly not sexist, since, you know, the prince is doing the exact same thing. "Beauty and the Beast" (my favorite one!) is interesting in that the main character doesn't really gain anything by being beautiful. In fact, it kind of causes more problems than it solves. There are not a lot of movies like that.

So it's kind of funny that "Enchanted" strikes me as way more sexist than the films it was making fun of. Kind of funny. Mostly sad. Definitely not a film I'd take a kid to see.


Anyway, I got tagged for a book meme over a month ago, but got distracted by work, Perm, Eurovision, and work.

The closest book is the same travel book again:

Since they take the most direct route between cities the savings in time can be considerable over slow trains and meandering buses. Typically you will find drivers offering this service outside bus terminals. Someone in your party must speak Russian to negotiate a price with the driver that typically works out to about R5 per kilometre.

I feel less bad about this now because my mother and my brother also had practical-sounding books.

I'd like to also do my mother's version of the same meme, but this is harder because all of my page 123s are so boring (she had a really good one, though I have no idea what it is). I've got two so far.

Too easy:

Speed.
More important than any of those things, however, was one final requirement.
Luck.

This one is funny to me because I'm pretty sure these are the least distinctive three sentences in this book:

Why did you do it, why? But I'll save you. I'll save you.



* And I take that back now. When I saw it, it bothered me that all the female characters were sex workers and/or victims. The more I think about it, though, the more I think that that's totally accurate for the environment of the film.

I'll throw myself out, thank you

This post is about my new hat (see right). Also, dirty movies (supposedly with hats)!

This particular hat was purchased to go with my new winter coat. There would be a picture of the coat, too, if I had longer arms. Instead you get a picture of the coat collar. But mostly I just want to show off that, in addition to being stripey, my new hat has a bow on the side.

Not everybody likes the hat. My boyfriend was wondering why I bought "an old lady hat," and my boss, more tactfully, said "if I saw you on the bus, I would give up my seat."

I'm pro-hat, which is easy for me as my natural hair already looks like hat hair anyway. Actually, I'm going to try to wear hats and gloves every day this year. It annoys me that that's considered weird. I appreciate that we don't have to wear hats and gloves every time we go outside. What I don't like is that we're basically not allowed to without coming off as eccentric.

As a foreigner in Russia, I'm automatically eccentric, so that's fine. But, if I went back to America, the hat-and-glove thing would not go over. But, years ago, it would have been really, really weird not to wear them. So what happened?

Someday I'm going to totter around in my hat and gloves and reinforced-toe nylons* impressing people by telling them that I'm from the 20th century, "back when women were ladies." Yes, I am totally going to use that phrase. Totally. But I don't think I can get away with it just yet. I mean, I hope I can't. But someday...


Today, however, I write about dirty movies (and also hats)! My boyfriend has satellite TV, which includes a subscription to this block of movie channels. About half of the movies they show are in English, which I appreciate.

I was channel-surfing the other day while he was in the other room getting actual work done and I stopped on a scene of Courtney Love and some guy going riding-crop shopping. I'm not creepy (not pervy-creepy anyway), but I had to know what movie would be dumb enough to have a riding-crop salesman look so shocked that one of his customers might be buying a riding-crop for sexual purposes.

In the very next scene, my question was answered with the strains of "You Can Leave Your Hat On," which made me think:
1. Hey, this is a really famous movie scene!
2. Either this is a takeoff or screwed-up Kim Basinger looks a lot like cleaned-up Courtney Love.**
3. She has NO HAT!

Apparently, I said this last one out loud because my boyfriend had to know why I was angrily berating his beloved TV. This was embarassing:
M: Oh, because this woman is stripping and she's not wearing a hat.
D: What?
M: It's a really famous scene, but it's just stupid if she's not even wearing a hat. Though she is wearing a slip. Why don't women wear slips anymore?
D: Why are you watching dirty movies on my TV?!
M: Well, I was flipping through channels and I just had to know...you know what? Never mind.


* Fun fact: in other countries, these are called tights, but I always think of tights as patterned or opaque. I also hear Americans calling them pantyhose, which is just too much information.
** I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I'm good with names and terrible with faces.

The wires suspending my disbelief are overtaxed*

Yes, I'm still alive. Though I was home sick for a few days, and I missed the company picnic. Feel sorry for me. Not too sorry, though. Being home sick means I get to watch movies and read and just generally be lazy. The weather has been unpleasant anyway, so it's not like I'm missing going outside or anything.

Like (I think) most people, when it comes to movies, my taste in good movies is diverse, but my taste in bad-to-mediocre movies is very very predictable. I present the following examples:

1. Thrillers!
hero: There is a CONSPIRACY and if we don't find out who's at the bottom of it, more people will DIE/the government will COLLAPSE/the government will NOT COLLAPSE.
me: I wonder what's going to happen next!
[some people die]
hero: The kindly-seeming old person was behind it ALL!
me: What a clever plot twist! This is the best movie ever made.

2. Drama!
protagonist: I must solve this problem/get revenge/buy the perfect handbag
other character: Watch out, for your obsessions will one day destroy you!
me: Wow, he sure is obsessed.
[some stuff happens]
protagonist: What happened? Now I have been destroyed!
other character: Yes. By your obsessions.
me: We should all take heed.

3. Romance!
romantic lead 1: I like being alone! Alone! Aloney-aloney-alone!
animated animal/household item/hamburger: Oh, protagonist...could it be that you are AFRAID to LOVE?
me: That's stupid.
romantic lead 1: That's stupid.
romantic lead 2: Yeah, that's really stupid.
[some pop culture references]
romantic lead 1: So, it turns out that I was, in fact, afraid to love.
romantic lead 2: Me, too. Let's get married.
romantic lead 1: Yes, let's.
me: *sniff*...it's so beautiful!

The point I am trying to make is, if I say I like a movie, don't take that as a sign that you should run right out and see it.

When I was home sick, I caught two movies. One I liked, and one I was pretty neutral about.

I really liked The Prestige, which is about two rival magicians. I liked it more after I was able to tell the Edward Norton-looking character apart from the Hugh Jackman-looking character.** Anyway, I found it fascinating. So much so that I liked it in spite of its use of a real historical figure (Tesla) to drive the plot along (I HATE it when movies do this. This is why I disliked Shakespeare in Love). The plot twists aren't hard to figure out, but it's definitely worth seeing. If you're me. And probably some other people, too.

I was neutral on Happy Feet. Penguins are adorable, and I was happy that [spoiler alert!] it all ended happily, but I found it creepy that the female penguins have breasts. Also, the fact that they were singing mildly sexual pop songs. Penguins do not have sex! And if you're going to give some of your penguins stereotypical Spanish accents, could you at least try to make a plot about how they're Chilean or something?

But, more than that, it just left me confused. After Finding Nemo, I was waiting for the fish to speak up about how they don't want the humans OR the penguins to eat them. But they never did. And since when are killer whales predators? I thought they just wanted freedom. After my initial confusion, though, I was inspired. Now I'm working on a script about a plucky little diatom who teaches the plankton to swim against the current. And then everything on Earth dies. It's an adventure/comedy.

* Not to mention that I only just now realized that that's not what "suspend" means in that context. And I teach this language.
** It didn't take me long, but longer than it should have, since the "Edward Norton-looking character" was played by Hugh Jackman, and the "Hugh Jackman-looking character" was played by Christian Bale. This does not spoil any of the plot. They're not supposed to look alike. They don't look alike. I just have problems telling movie characters apart sometimes. In fact, had this problem all through March of the Penguins.

Life seems so much slower

Last week I had more free time than usual, which, for some reason, I spent watching movies. This led to three realizations.

The first is that I miss having time to watch movies, so I'm going to start working a little less.

The second is that my boyfriend and I totally deserve each other.

While watching "Revenge of the Sith" (the first time I had seen it in English, actually), on finding out, moments before they're born, that Padme is going to have twins:
A: You think she would have seen a doctor.
B: What's WRONG with you?
A: Well, she's a senator. It's not like she doesn't have insurance. And couldn't the robots just do a scan or something? Why wouldn't she see a doctor?
B: WHY are you talking about "Star Wars" characters like they're real people?

Two days later, we were watching "Meet Joe Black," in which the two main characters hook up:
B: Are they going to sleep together?
A: It sure looks like it.
B: But they have just met. Are they even using contraceptives?
A: Maybe she'll get pregnant and it'll be part of the plot.
B: But that's SO irresponsible. Who does that?!
A: What's WRONG with you?


The third is that "The Piano" is a dreadful film. There are spoilers below, but who cares?

You might wonder why I was watching this movie in the first place, as it is not really my type of movie, critically acclaimed or not. It has to do with the fact that I was in middle school when it came out, which means that I was vaguely aware of its existence and knew that it was a controversial film. It also means that a handful of my contemporaries had parents who believed them to be old enough to see this film, which led to schoolyard conversations like this:

Classmate: I saw a movie with NAKED PEOPLE.
Everyone else: Tell us more! Tell us more!
C: They were DOING IT.
E: EWW!
C: It was ARTISTIC and BEAUTIFUL and if you're going to be so immature, I'm not going to tell you anything more.
E: Noooo! We'll be mature! Promise!

And that is why, in addition to not watching movies, my kids will be forbidden to attend school.

Naturally, I was intrigued, and this registered itself in the back of my little middle-school brain, not to the point that I ran right out and rented this movie as soon as I turned 18, but enough that, when I caught the beginning of it on TV, I thought, "I gotta see this."

The one good thing I can say is that Paquin did, in fact, deserve her Oscar. But, as for the rest of the film, I couldn't figure out how it got made. All that kept running through my head was that, somewhere, at some point, some executive decided that this film had artistic and/or market value. And based on what?

To start with, it's depressing. That's not enough for me to say it's a bad movie, but it isn't anything other than depressing. It's just depressing. Until the last five minutes or whatever, it exists solely for the purpose of being depressing. It's so depressing that, when you get to the big emotional scenes, you don't really care because, meh, we're all going to die and the world is running out of oil anyway.

Second, and this might just be me, I really hate it when love stories begin with prostitution.* I mean, if you're trying to make a comment about the transactional nature of all human relationships, then have at it, but if you're trying to do something that the audience will approve of, or even cry at the end of, try having your characters meet at a coffee shop or something.

What bothered me most about the movie, even more than all the gratuitous nudity, was that the major plot point relies on a misdirected love note. Why would you send a love note to a man who can't read? I mean, unless you needed some plot device so that your husband could act completely out of character, thus proving that he is not only wrong for you but also evil and therefore any adultery is totally justified.

And, finally (not, mind you, because this was the last thing I disliked about the film, but because I'm running out of synonyms for "terrible"), the ending felt really tacked-on. Was that really how the film was supposed to end, or was that some attempt at increasing market value? I actually knew how the film ended, because I remember my mother talking about it. I'm pretty sure it was in the context of her having been as annoyed with the film as I was.** She might be able to confirm that.

The lesson here is that naked people do not a good film make, even if they are doing it. And also not to take movie recommendations from your middle school classmates.

It does feel good to get all that off my chest, though. The nice thing about having a blog is that everyone within a 100-meter radius of me is spared from hearing about how much this movie sucked.


* - The other day, one of my students referred to "the great American film, 'Pretty Woman.'" This made me want to shout "we made 'Casablanca!'" and run out of the room in tears.

** - I'm scaling this to her disposition. On an absolute scale of annoyance, few people are even capable of getting as annoyed with stuff as I do.

As I recall

My boyfriend is out of the hospital! Now he's back at work again.

And on the subject of relationships, I often find xkcd to be true-to-life, but this is just creepy.

Here is a word of advice: if you're going to watch the "Borat" movie (I wouldn't bother), the way to do this is to watch it in a language you don't understand (so you could either take my previous comment with a grain of salt or recognize that the movie sucks that much) with a rather conservative translator.
movie: [something in Russian that I can't understand]
boyfriend: [hysterical laughter]
me: What did he say?
bofriend, still laughing: Oh, I can't translate that. It's too dirty.
Repeat this process for two hours.

I will admit that I was kind of interested to see the movie responsible for the breakup of the Anderson-Rock marriage. I was really expecting those two to make it.* Actually, she really wasn't in the movie very much at all, and she gets points for apparently having a sense of humor about the whole sex tape (hi, googleteers! No porn here!) business, unlike, reportedly, Mr. Rock.** In her place, I suppose I would have run it by him first, but then in her place I wouldn't have married Kid Rock. Or Tommy Lee, for that matter.

Today I found myself pointing out, not by any means for the first time, that "we both liked 'Casablanca'" does not count as having something in common any more than do the shared beliefs that sunsets are nice, butterflies are pretty, and Moscow is cold.

Later it occurred to me that, if my boyfriend saw "Casablanca," he'd probably be the one person in the world not to like it. It sounds crazy, but it actually works out because I'm the only person in the world who doesn't like "Roman Holiday."*** That might count as having something in common. Moreso than it would if we both liked "Casablanca," certainly.

I'm going to test my boyfriend-Casablanca theory for the simple reason that I want to see it again. I will report the results. First order of business: find a copy.



* I ALWAYS expect couples like this to make it on the grounds that it's so crazy that they must know what they're doing. Usually just the first part is true. In fact, if TomKat don't make it, I might have to revise my theory. But I'm sure they will.
** Perhaps he didn't know about the tape.
*** There are a few reasons for this, but most of it boils down to: What's the point of having divine right if you don't use it to impale people who drug you and marry cute foreigners?

The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems

I am a nerdy, obnoxious drunk. I spent my Saturday evening insisting to this guy named Luke that he was *totally* named after the Star Wars character, and his parents' first date *totally* must have been one of the Star Wars movies, and that is *totally* cute. Becuase, you know, that name didn't exist before Star Wars.

I spent my Sunday vowing never to drink or leave the house ever again.


1. If you could suddenly speak one language fluently (that you don't currently speak) what would it be?
Russian, because it would make my life easier. Or maybe Old Church Slavic, because it's more unusual, and would make learning Russian easier anyway.

2. If you were to suggest a foreign film, that you really enjoyed, what one would you suggest?
Amelie, Rashomon, The Seven Samurai, The Idiot, Ran, Ivan the Terrible, Yi Yi, some others.

3. If you had to call another country home (other than the one you currently live in) what one would you choose?
Hmm...I suppose America would be the obvious answer. But, actually, Sweden. Good health care, good social programs, and it looks like a model railroad set.

4. If you went out to buy an import music CD, what one would you buy?
I have no idea what counts as import. I get everything from iTunes or the Zelenograd network now.

5. If you were to chose an ethnic dinner, what would it be?
Decent, affordable Chinese food, or maybe sushi that actually came from the ocean to my plate without being frozen in between. Or heirloom tomatoes (does upper middle class count as an ethnicity?)

But everybody knows that she throws herself in front of a train!

Having a blog means I get to do the Friday Five again. I did two because I wanted to, so this week's is more like a Friday Ten.

This is the current one:

1. When you were a student, would you have been more likely to turn your test in first or last?

First.

2. Question 1 on a test can be narrowed down to either A or B (you’re sure it’s one or the other). Question 12 on the test can be narrowed down to the same two answers. You know one is A and the other is B. Do you go for the all-or-nothing guess (choosing A for one and B for the other) or do you play it safe and take one correct (choosing A for both questions)?

All-or-nothing. But I don't cheat on tests, so why would I even know?

3. Are you more of a multiple-choicer, a true-falser, a fill-in-the-blanker, or a free-responder?

I was a good test-taker in general, but multiple-choice is easiest for me.

4. What are your thoughts on standardized college aptitude tests such as the SAT?

The SAT got me into the college of my choice, so I like it. It's also an accurate predictor of college success. Right now I'm more interested in standardized English tests because I have to teach students to pass them. I don't like most of them, but they're important. They keep weaker students from spending time and money on programs of study that they simply won't be able to handle, no matter how good they are at conversational English or untimed readings. I don't like immigration tests at all, though.

5. In the past week, in what ways have you been tested?

Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. What an appropriate question for this week. My tolerance for cold weather has been tested (passed). My ability to walk on icy streets has been tested (failed). My patience with coworkers has been tested (barely passed). My ability to deal with students who are lazy, annoying, and vaguely creepy has been tested (passed so far). My professionalism in the face of serious problems at work that might leave me out of a job has been tested (we'll see). My tolerance for pain was tested when my stomach tried to digest itself (passed due to oatmeal). And, uh, my memory for Simpsons trivia was tested last Friday (at least I passed this one with flying colors).


This one occurred at the end of 2006, which makes sense. Question 1 will spoil the ending of AI for you, so you've been warned.

1. What film did you think had the most annoying, maddening, preposterous, disappointing, or idiotic ending?

AI. I will complain about this every chance I get (which is why I chose this one from the old Friday Fives). The first part of the film was brilliant. There were two points at which I thought it could have ended and still been brilliant. The first was when he jumped into the water (having established earlier that he is not waterproof). The second was when he was under the sea wishing to be a real boy.

There are a lot of movies whose endings I object to (off the top of my head: Sleepless in Seattle, Roman Holiday, Pretty Woman, North by Northwest, Contact). I even disliked the way "Friends" ended because I wanted them to move to France so that Emma could be bilingual. But AI is orders of magnitude worse because it could have been so, so good.


2. What is the most recent example in your life of something coming to an unexpected (or unwelcome) end and then turning into an even better beginning?

Hmm...nothing yet. Perhaps I'll be able to say this about the King's Quest series when the fan-made "sequel" comes out. I have really high expectations for that.

3. How do you feel about your rear end? (alternate question for those who think this is just far too inappropriate: How do you usually spend your sitting-around-on-your-rear-end days?)

Once I went shopping for jeans and one woman selling jeans shouted that it would be impossible to find jeans that would fit me. Despite this, I am quite attached to it. It's famine-resistant and keeps me comfortable on long train rides.

4. Some people read the endings of books before they invest time, energy, and emotion into the rest of them. What are your thoughts about this practice?

I think it's completely insane. In fact, it seems so wrong to me that I can't even explain why it's wrong because in order to do that I'd have to understand the arguments in favor, and I can't even begin to.

5. How would you like to end each day, and how do you actually end each day?

I'd like to end each day in my castle in Sweden after finding some priceless artifact or on one of my trains through the ocean on my way to somewhere interesting, or back to said castle after visiting somewhere interesting. Either way, I'd be curled up under a fluffy down comforter with a good book and hot chocolate (and I wouldn't have to get up again because I'd have self-cleaning teeth). Actually, I end each day by going home from work, wasting time on the internet, and attempting to sleep. Which I should do now.