Can't stand no more

Every summer, the hot water goes off for 2 to 4 weeks while workers prepare the pipes for winter. It happens at different times in different cities (or, if you live in a big enough city, different areas of the city). Russians cannot fathom a world in which this does not happen. But then they also don't have the concept of running out of hot water on a regular basis.

The hot water usually goes off in mid-July. I was planning to be long gone by that time this year. This year, the hot water went off on May 12. What's more, the central heating system in the flats depends on hot water (don't ask me to explain because I do not know) and it has been a very cold May until this week.

So that's why I haven't updated. I'm too busy heating pots of water on the stove every time I want to take a bath or wash the dishes.

The good news is, the hot water should be back any day now. I cannot wait.


The other good news is, Russia totally won Eurovision on Saturday. More importantly, Dima Bilan won Eurovision.

Dima Bilan is a popstar with a mullet. He is also ultra hot. Don't ask me to explain because I do not know. Anyway, he won the Eurovision with a very, very Eurovision song and performance:

That's Yevgeny Plushenko, just in case Russia's win wasn't already a foregone conclusion.

I must admit, I didn't care for the song. I much prefer the 2006 entry, which got second place:

He can't really dance. It adds to his charm. My coworkers performed this song (and dance!) for my birthday that year.

Anyway, last year I promised a treatise on Eurovision, which never came. That was before I found out about YouTube. YouTube and Wikipedia together will tell you everything you need to know about Eurovision. Particularly insane performances include: Litunania 2006, Ukraine 2007, and Latvia 2008. Songs I actually kinda liked: Bosnia and Herzegovina 2006, Sweden 2007, France 2007, Germany 2007 (I liked Eurovision 2007). Winners: Greece 2005, Finland 2006, Serbia 2007.

The awesome news is, because of Russia's win, Eurovision will be in Moscow next year. If I could afford tickets or stand crowds, I would so be there.

Now I try to be amused

A few months ago, I decided that I'd wear flats more often. I travel around the city a lot for work, and I like to walk a lot, and wearing heels every day is not comfortable anymore. So I alternate, and when I go to a shoe store I head straight for the flats section because I am good and practical now. I am not, however, very interesting, as my four spring shoe purchases will show:

(Front to back: pointed-toe flat with buckle, pointed-toe flat with buckle, pointed-toe low-heel with buckle, reward for being so practical, also with buckle).

It wasn't until I saw them all together that I noticed that. In total, it makes 12 buckles on 4 pairs of shoes. Anyway, I offer this not to brag about how many shoes I have, or to get advice on where to find pointed-toe flats that don't have buckles, or to join the number of shoeblogs out there, or even because it helped me out, title-wise, but because it's the only explanation I have for the question that sets off the mother of all horrifying student conversations:

Me: [Saying something to the effect of America actually has a unique culture despite not being a very old country].
Student: Are all Americans Puritans like you?
M: I am not a Protestant.
S: [thinking]
M: But do you know what Calvinism is? It has a huge influence on American culture.
S: No, I want to ask: do all Americans believe in no sex outside family?
M: Oh my goodness, no!! That's just something we say about groups of people we don't--[at this point I get what he's asking and start laughing].
S: [Has the nerve to look annoyed by my lack of professionalism].
M: [Laughs some more because student has the nerve to look annoyed by my lack of professionalism]. You have *got* to rephrase that.
S: Yes, I can see that.

What makes it funny is how serious he was. Like it was a grammar question or something.

(And, according to this survey, the answer is 32%).

Drop another line like Decoto with the Kurds

Because I am unable to go for three whole days without internet access, I am on an old computer in a crowded, inadequately air-conditioned post office. I complain, but it reminds me so much of last summer that I actually feel kind of happy.

The very least I can give you is a horrifying student conversation. This one also doubles as a nationality test. I asked the student about his work history:

S: When I was at university, I had a business selling chemical substances.
M: Really.
S: Yes, for people to clean their houses.
M: Ah. You should find another way to say that.
[in the end we settled on "household cleaners" and a great laugh was had by all]
S: And after that, I sold pirated DVDs.

Nationality test: Does that last line make the story any funnier? If so, you are probably American.

But I do what I can

Tomorrow I am leaving for Perm, which is one of the cities I missed on my summer trip. There are ice caves nearby. They might be closed due to flooding (it's a nearby river, not extreme global warming), but I can't get any information on that. I will be horribly disappointed if they are, but I don't really have a choice about when my holidays are, and there is other stuff to see. I suppose I will find out.

It's 20.5 hours from Moscow to Perm, but I went to the Crimea on a 24-hour train a couple years ago, and from Khabarovsk to Ulan-Ude for 51 hours this summer. So I think I'll manage.

What this all means is that I'm going to be out of town for the inauguration on May 7 (in fact, I'm going to be on a train for most of May 7), when Dmitry Medvedev will be sworn in as the President of Russia. With the help of an endorsement from Putin, Medvedev won the election back in March with 70% of the vote, meaning that there were other candidates, too.

I pay attention to politics, but I don't worry much about Russian politics (I learned my lesson worrying about American politics, so I'm not about to start with a new country) as long as I can still have a visa. On an entirely superficial level, though, I am going to miss Putin, at least until he becomes Prime Minister. This is because, like a lot of women in Russia, I have a huge crush on him. That's wrong on a few levels (morally, politically, half-plus-sevenly until 2026), but what can you do?

Anyway, back in 2004 when I was taking a class about Russian politics I read somewhere that there was a pop song about him. This made me feel less weird. By the time I came to Russia, it wasn't very popular anymore, though I heard it a couple times.

It wasn't until today, thanks to YouTube, that I learned that there is an English (sort of) version, which I am posting here. I have no idea why there exists an English version of this song. But could there be a more appropriate song for this moment in history? Probably, but you know I'm kind of lazy.



Other stuff about Putin: Like me, he is right-handed but wears his watch on his right hand. Unlike me, he is the President of Russia. He has also visited Zelenograd, but it was a business visit, so I didn't see him, and he wasn't giving autographs. I did, however, get to see the conference room where the meeting was held (one of my colleagues actually teaches in there. So unfair!)

When I get back Russia will have a new president and I'll do the book memes (the only book nearby right now is a travel book. Page 123 has some advice on taking taxis), post pictures from the holiday and a couple of horrifying student conversations.

Avoiding the mirror

Not much going on in my life, though I did accidentally agree to marry one of my students (and not the one you'd think). I was trying to explain the difference between a proposal and a suggestion:
Me: So give me an example of a proposal.
Student: Will you marry me?
M: Yes. And a sug--
...
M: No!

I also got new glasses. A few weeks ago, a coworker of mine was trying to make me feel bad about wearing such thick glasses because, apparently, she is eight years old. Feeling bad about wearing glasses is so far outside my frame (hee!) of reference that I didn't even realize what she was trying to do until a couple hours later. What's the comeback to that, anyway?

I didn't have one, so, as you can see, I went out and purchased me some aggressively nerdy glasses. Now I can alternate between these ones and my old ones, depending on what matches my outfit more closely. Is that weird? I also bought my first pair of prescription sunglasses, which are not ready yet. That made me feel a bit old, but I really need them. Sadly, my head is too small for fasionable (read: giant) sunglasses. It has to do with centering the lenses or something like that. Something tells me I could get what I wanted if I spent a lot, but I'm not rich and don't bother trying to look nice when the sun is out anyway. Oh well.

If you're wondering why my face looks so weird in that picture, it's not the glasses. I was anticipating an argument in which I'd need that facial expression, found that I was incapable of making eyes at myself in the mirror, tried making eyes at the wall and then stepping in front of the mirror but couldn't hold the expression, and then, finally, remembered that I have a digital camera. In the end, there wasn't an argument, but I did get a picture of my new glasses (also note new dress).

The argument that never actually happened was about a good-looking guy who I didn't want to teach. I figured it would go something like this:
Me: He doesn't want to learn English! He just wants to pay some American girl to spend a few hours a week looking at him like this [makes now-perfected moony-eyed expression]
My boss: I think we should pay you never to make that face ever again.
Me: And also could I not teach this guy?
My boss: It's a deal!

It turns out that I wasn't going to have to teach that guy anyway. But that's why the picture looks funny. I was also anticipating an argument in which I'd need to not have any eyebrows.

Normal shoe weather is upon us!

Actually, it's that time of year when it's cold enough to wear boots but warm enough to wear normal shoes. In other words, it's the best time of year, shoe-wise.

It's still too cold to justify open-toed shoes. Unless you're from California:


But if I were actually in California, I'd be standing next to a girl wearing a sundress and uggs accompanied by a guy wearing shorts, a sweatshirt, and hiking boots.

Anyway, this picture is from last week, when we went to the Bolshoi to see "Nabucco" by Verdi. We had a choice between ballet and opera but chose the opera because the plot sounded more interesting.

I also worry that, having grown up on Mark Morris, I'd be confused and frightened by a more traditional ballet. (I've heard, for example, that male characters are never played by females and vice-versa. And that they're all really, really thin). Obviously, I'd respond by giggling inappropriately.

This time I was worried because I did not like the first opera I saw there ("Eugene Onegin" by Tchaikovsky) at all.*

I liked this one a lot, though. The music and acting were good enough to draw me in despite the fact that I don't understand Italian or Russian. That's about all I can say, since I know very little about music in general or opera in particular.

I did love the set design. It was simple but not. You can kind of see it in this photo I took during the curtain call:

See how simple? The walls on the side with all the Hebrew writing rotate. There's Cuneiform on the other side. The walls would change position depending on where the action was supposed to be taking place. The stairs at the back represent the temple, and the idol, which was a tower in this production, is projected onto the screen behind the stairs. The props were also made out of either Hebrew letters (shields) or stylus marks (swords, furniture, a prison).

When I say that we went to the Bolshoi, I don't mean the famous theatre. That's the Main Bolshoi, and it's being rennovated (I was there in 2005, about a month before the rennovations started. The curtain was very old-looking and had U.S.S.R. symbols woven into it). We went to the New Bolshoi, which is much smaller (some people call it the "Malenki Bolshoi," which translates to "Small Big").

It is also worth noting that I got to wear the dress that I had made in China.


Because I forgot that we were in Russia, I explained that you can't bring food or drinks into the theatre. I also banned jeans and unflattering haircuts. I was quite scandalized to see the be-mulleted, jeans-wearing young people a couple seats down pull out bags of potato chips and bottles of coke during intermission. And then I remembered that we were in Russia. They also stopped eating at the end of intermission and were totally quiet during the performance, so I couldn't really complain.


* I know this isn't relevant to the post, but I have to get this off my chest: Why did they change "duel" to "struggle during which gun accidentally goes off?!?" Why does Tatiana knock over the table? Why does the protagonist show up waving a gun around at the end? Why did I feel like both the composer and the producers (mostly the producers, I'm told) should have adapted something by Dostoevsky and left poor Pushkin alone?

I will be needing to get off in four minutes

One of the things students have the most trouble with is the phrasal verb.

A phrasal verb consists of a verb and a preposition, which together have a meaning that is not necessarily related to either the verb or the preposition.

Consider the verb "pick" and object "nose":
When I was young, I used to pick my nose.
When I was young, the other kids used to pick on my nose.
When I turned 18, I picked out a new one.
After the surgery, I couldn't stop picking at it.

Students, understandably, hate phrasal verbs. They point out that a lot of phrasal verbs could be replaced with other, more specific, verbs. For example:
When I was young, the other kids used to mock my nose.
When I turned 18, I selected a new one.

I just tell them that, if they want to sound like Dr. Evil, that's their business, but they still have to understand other people when they speak.


To keep this post reasonably short, I won't even get into the grammar rules* (Does the object go before or after the preposition? Nobody knows!). Just take my word for it that they are ultra difficult.


As if all that weren't bad enough, the same phrasal verb can have a number of different meanings:

Ivan Yakovlevich picked up the nose and went to the bridge to throw it away.
Major Kovalev watched as a government carriage picked up his nose and drove it to the next house.
He was distressed because, without a nose, he was unable to pick up women.
The police picked up the nose on its way to Riga.
Soon the whole city had picked up the story.
I haven't picked up enough Russian to read the original.
The professor berated her students for not picking up on the real meaning of the story.

(And I wonder why nobody picks up when I call).

Even without reading the footnote, you can see why students would find these confusing. But, as the following two conversations, which happened about a week apart, demonstrate, native speakers also have trouble with phrasal verbs:

A: One of my students picked me up today.
B: They know where you live? Or was it from here?
A: No, I mean he literally picked me up.
B: You mean tried to, right? Please tell me that your student just tried to pick you up and failed because you have a boyfriend and--
A: NO! I mean literally picked me up like [picks up book to demonstrate]
B: Ohh! That's weird.
A: I thought so, but it seems a lot less weird now.

A: Yeah, that doctor is creepy.
C: Why creepy?
A: I think he tried to pick me up.
C: Maybe he just needed to see how much you weigh. Was he prescribing anything?
A: That is so not what I meant. I mean pick up like ask out. He tried to pick up [translator], too.
C: Well, if you had just started with that.

And, for the record, I don't know why I thought that pick up even had a literal meaning.


* Oh, who am I kidding?
Most phrasal verbs fall into one of three categories:

1. Phrasal verbs with no direct object. For Example:
George ran away.
The house fell over.

Simple, right?

2. Inseparable phrasal verbs, in which the verb and preposition are always together. For example:
Michael looked for the documents.
Wine turns into alcohol if you let it sit.

Phrasal verbs with two prepositions are almost always in this category.
The family ran out of money.
Michael came up with a plan.

But that's still pretty simple, isn't it?

3. Most phrasal verbs are separable phrasal verbs, which means that the object can be either before or after the preposition with no change in meaning. For example:
Franklin played the recording back.
OR
Franklin played back the recording.

The problem: If your phrasal verb is separable and your object is a pronoun, the object MUST be before the preposition:
The recording surprised everyone when Franklin played it back.
(Native speakers: just try putting the object after the preposition. You can't! You will choke on the words! Your fingers will refuse to type!)

And the separable/inseparable divide has nothing to do with meaning, spelling, or anything, really. You just have to memorize it. If you're a native speaker, you already have. Good job!

If you're not, allow me to apologize on behalf of the English language. Next week: idioms!

Horrifying student conversations II

"Regular feature" wasn't supposed to mean "only feature," but, as you can see, it's already Wednesday.

My students were doing a speaking test from the book:

A: How much can you tell about somebody from their appearance?
B: hmm... Thirty-five percent.
[At this point, I start laughing and cannot stop.]

A: [Student B], can you please give me an answer that involves some grammar?
[This only makes it worse]
C: Don't cry, Marin!

This was followed by Student B's explanation that he first wanted to say 45% but then decided that was too high, but he decided 10% was too low, so he chose something in the middle. To which I replied, "but...that would be 27.5%."

And yet I wonder why my students end up sounding like such nerds.

In other news, after a cold snap last week, the snow has begun the process of melting and refreezing and just being icky that heralds the arrival of spring. In a mere matter of weeks, I'll be able to wear non-boot shoes again (I love all my boots very much, but I get kind of tired of them around this time of year)!

If you break down the 35% further (how is it that I haven't already done that?), you'll find that "cute shoes" make up a substantial part of it.

Horrifying student conversations I

This is likely to become a regular feature. It practically is already, but now it gets it's own title.

Taken out of context:

Student: My wife was ill.
Me: Oh, thank goodness!


Context added:

M: How was your weekend?
S: It wasn't very good. I had a small problem.
M: I'm sorry to hear that.
S: Yes, my wife was kill.
[me, looking horrified by a) that last line, b) the fact that he described it as a "small problem" and c) that he was at work at all that day]
S: Wait...no...my wife was ill.
M: Oh, thank goodness!

I'll throw myself out, thank you

This post is about my new hat (see right). Also, dirty movies (supposedly with hats)!

This particular hat was purchased to go with my new winter coat. There would be a picture of the coat, too, if I had longer arms. Instead you get a picture of the coat collar. But mostly I just want to show off that, in addition to being stripey, my new hat has a bow on the side.

Not everybody likes the hat. My boyfriend was wondering why I bought "an old lady hat," and my boss, more tactfully, said "if I saw you on the bus, I would give up my seat."

I'm pro-hat, which is easy for me as my natural hair already looks like hat hair anyway. Actually, I'm going to try to wear hats and gloves every day this year. It annoys me that that's considered weird. I appreciate that we don't have to wear hats and gloves every time we go outside. What I don't like is that we're basically not allowed to without coming off as eccentric.

As a foreigner in Russia, I'm automatically eccentric, so that's fine. But, if I went back to America, the hat-and-glove thing would not go over. But, years ago, it would have been really, really weird not to wear them. So what happened?

Someday I'm going to totter around in my hat and gloves and reinforced-toe nylons* impressing people by telling them that I'm from the 20th century, "back when women were ladies." Yes, I am totally going to use that phrase. Totally. But I don't think I can get away with it just yet. I mean, I hope I can't. But someday...


Today, however, I write about dirty movies (and also hats)! My boyfriend has satellite TV, which includes a subscription to this block of movie channels. About half of the movies they show are in English, which I appreciate.

I was channel-surfing the other day while he was in the other room getting actual work done and I stopped on a scene of Courtney Love and some guy going riding-crop shopping. I'm not creepy (not pervy-creepy anyway), but I had to know what movie would be dumb enough to have a riding-crop salesman look so shocked that one of his customers might be buying a riding-crop for sexual purposes.

In the very next scene, my question was answered with the strains of "You Can Leave Your Hat On," which made me think:
1. Hey, this is a really famous movie scene!
2. Either this is a takeoff or screwed-up Kim Basinger looks a lot like cleaned-up Courtney Love.**
3. She has NO HAT!

Apparently, I said this last one out loud because my boyfriend had to know why I was angrily berating his beloved TV. This was embarassing:
M: Oh, because this woman is stripping and she's not wearing a hat.
D: What?
M: It's a really famous scene, but it's just stupid if she's not even wearing a hat. Though she is wearing a slip. Why don't women wear slips anymore?
D: Why are you watching dirty movies on my TV?!
M: Well, I was flipping through channels and I just had to know...you know what? Never mind.


* Fun fact: in other countries, these are called tights, but I always think of tights as patterned or opaque. I also hear Americans calling them pantyhose, which is just too much information.
** I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I'm good with names and terrible with faces.