Once this seemed so appealing

My allergies are making me suffer. And as much as I try to tell myself that allergies are just God's way of reminding us that our immune system is working, or that I have it pretty easy compared to all the people with food allergies, I am still feeling pretty sorry for myself.

Here's a Friday Five (more like a Sunday Ten, but whatever) to cheer me up:

Theme: International Travel
1. You have the summer and plenty of money to travel abroad. Where all would you go?
Okay, so this was actually a writing assignment for my Russian class, but we had to make a whole years' worth of plans. This is probably the only assignment I completed within a couple hours of its being assigned. I can't remember the exact plan, though it was something like this:

June - Australia, Tanzania, Zambia

July - Costa Rica, Peru, the Galapagos Islands

August - Kamchatka, Murmansk, Petrozavodsk, Arkhangelsk, maybe St. Petersburg

2. What foods would you be sure you got to eat?
Seeing as I've been to McDonald's in every country I've visited, I have to continue that tradition.

The countries on that list aren't exactly famous for their food. In Australia, I'd be sure to have Chinese and Indian food, both of which are hard to find and pretty expensive in Russia. I would also try kangaroo at least once.

I really know nothing about African food, but I do love ostrich meat, so that's probably what I'd eat.

I also don't know anything about food in Costa Rica or Peru, though in both cases I have heard that there is lots of seafood and it is awesome. So I'd buy a guidebook and eat what it told me to eat. I would also have to try Inca Kola, one of only two local soft drinks to outsell Coca-Cola anywhere in the world.

In Russia, well, I'd eat the same stuff that I do now (mostly cold soup, which sounds a lot sadder than it is).

3. What landmarks would you be sure you got to see?
In Australia, I'd mostly be visiting my friend, who lives near Melbourne, but I would also like to go to Tasmania to see some weird animals, Sydney to see the opera house, and somehow I'd learn to go SCUBA diving and see the Great Barrier Reef.

In Zambia, I would like to see Victoria Falls because they look really beautiful. In Tanzania, I would like to climb Mt. Kilmanjaro. Actually, I'd probably give up after the first day as I am afraid of heights, but it'd be worth a try what with the unlimited budget and all.

In Costa Rica and on the Galapagos islands, I would be all about the weird animals. In Peru, which is probably the place I am most interested in, I would visit lots and lots of archaeological sites. I would visit churches in both Costa Rica and Peru.

Kamchatka has interesting geology, Arkhangelsk and Murmansk are cities that I'm told you don't really need to spend more than a couple days in, and Petrozavodsk has Kizhi island, which is basically a museum of wooden architecture. I'd spend the rest of the time (assuming there is any) in St. Petersburg, visiting the Hermitage and the palaces and fortresses around the city.

4. What airline would you use?
Any one with a decent safety record. Since I'm short and average-weight, there's no reason whatsoever for me to be picky about airlines.

5. Would your knowledge of other languages influence where you went? (i.e. would you be more likely to go to France if you spoke French?)
From the list above, it looks like it would, but that's really just coincidence. Anywhere I went, I'd stick to cities and touristy places, at least until I got more comfortable, which would probably happen fastest in Australia (where I speak the language and look like everyone else) and slowest in Peru (where I don't).

The second set is about travel within the USA.

Theme: USA Road Trip
1. Who would you take with you on a road trip?
Somebody who can drive.

2. What states would you visit?
Good question. I would really like to visit Chicago (again), Boston, Philadelphia, Washington D.C. (again), Atlanta, and New Orleans. Those are cities rather than states. And I would go to Florida because I want to drive on that bridge that connects the Florida keys.

3. What national parks and/or monuments would you go see?
I want to see Carlsbad Caverns and Niagara Falls. I also want to go back to Lassen, Yellowstone, and Denali. This last would be a rather long drive.

4. Las Vegas: Overrated or a Must-See?
I seem like the type of person who would say overrated, but actually I think it's a total must-see.

5. How long would you be gone?
As long as it takes!


So it seems like this Friday Five was pretty much written for me, but actually it makes me kind of sad because I don't have the time, money, or driving ability to do any of this. Yet. I have a student who responds to half of what I say with "you sound like somebody who went from Vladivostok to Moscow by train." This has become my defining characteristic as far as that student is concerned.

What will actually cheer me up: going home in three days!

I'll kill myself if Portugal doesn't win

The Russian team won a soccer match last night. Actually, it's kind of a bigger deal than that. The Russian team, which I'm told was in last place going in, beat the Dutch team in the quarterfinals of the European championship, sending Russia to the semifinals for the first time ever ("ever," by the way, is 17 years). I was watching this in a restaurant with a group of people. Nobody scored for a really long time, then both teams scored at the last minute, so the game went into overtime, during which Russia scored twice, for a 3-1 result. It was pretty exciting. One of my students was actually at the game, which must have been really exciting.

People on the streets last night were crazy, but in a peaceful way. I've been here twice for New Years' and I have never seen such excitement. Everybody was cheering. Some people had fireworks. I saw one guy who had climbed onto one of the WALK/DON'T WALK lights and was just sitting there waving his shirt. Like I said, crazy.

Naturally, I did not bring my camera.


Anyway, I'll do the first Friday Five in a long time (for some reason, I just forgot about it). But first I have a question of my own.

Why didn't anybody *tell* me that Viggo Mortensen was hot!?
a) "It always seemed like stating the obvious."
b) "I did. Several times. You said he needed a haircut."
c) "Did he show up somewhere wearing glasses?"
d) "He's not hot."
e) "If this is about 'Eastern Promises,' I am revoking your visa."


Okay, now on to the (kind of oddly phrased) Friday Five:
1) what is one thing about you that you hate?
One? I'm going to go with my lack of social skills here.

2) what is one thing about you that you love?
Trivia-brain!

3) if you had to change one thing about you what would it be and why?
I would be much, much better at dealing with people. I would never put my foot in my mouth or worry about doing so. I'd make eye contact with people, including but not limited to, attractive males. And I'd be able to manipulate people, but I'd use it for good rather than evil. Like somebody would tell me their problems and instead of saying "you really need to get over that" I could manipulate them into feeling better! And I'd be able to do that bitchy thing where you make fun of somebody but you do so so subtlely that they don't realize it until a few hours later, or they realize it but can't say anything because you're so subtle that they'd just come off as really defensive. That ability is like a hairdryer. I wouldn't ever use it, but it's weird to be a female without it.

4) what is one word that you would use to define yourself?
Polite.

5) imagine what you would look like in a perfect world...what do you look like?
In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to look any different. That said, I'd like to be able to change my appearance at will. I would mostly use this for changing the color of my nails without having to wait for the nail polish to dry.

Extended warranty? How could I lose!?

So, I made it home in one piece but haven't felt like answering any of the recent Friday Fives. Tomorrow I am going on a cruise to Alaska with my family. This is exciting because I get to go snorkelling for the first time ever.* Also, free food, a giant boat with a swimming pool and library, rainy weather, and opportunities to dress formally.

Back when I did high school debate, we started the debate by defining our terms. For example, if the resolution is: "Civil disobedience is justified," you have to decide exactly what constitutes civil disobedience. Is it always peaceful or can it be violent? Can it include property damage? Refusal to pay taxes? Stockpiling weapons? You get the idea. Then you have to provide a definition of "justified" because, if you don't, your opponent will frame the debate in terms of legal justification and then you have already lost. (Unless the judge doesn't know what they're doing, which happened more often than not).

It occurred to me that things might be easier if I started doing this in other areas of life. So I present:

The List of Terms to Define Before Going on Vacation

1. "vacation" - relaxing? sightseeing? shopping? thinking about work the whole time?
2. "nice" - specifically: nice hotel, nice weather, nice dinner
3. "pack light"
4. "sleep in"
5. "walking distance"
6. "most people" and "speak English"
7. and, finally, "affordable" and "reasonable" These are two very different things!

I stopped the list there because I got distracted making this chart:

Reasonability is a function of value, so the better something is, the more you can charge for it. Things which are out of your price range (illuminated manuscripts, five-star accommodation, designer shoes) may still be reasonably priced for what they are. You just can't afford them. Reasonability comes into play at the lower end of the chart, too. Say you have $100 budgeted for a new pair of shoes. You see a pair of flip-flops for $70. They're well within your budget, but you're not going to buy them because $70 is simply not a reasonable price to pay for flip-flops.

When I first made the chart, affordability was a straight line going across, determined by your budget. But in reality, there's some distortion when the lines cross, creating what I like to call the "life is short" spike. This is when you talk yourself into spending a little bit more than you should because it seems like a unique opportunity. This explains things like green shoes, hard-to-find short story collections, or buying a first-class ticket because then you'll be able to say that you've travelled on all the classes of Russian trains. So some people are more affected by the "life is short" spike than others.

At the very high end, when you can no longer afford anything, you start to exaggerate just how much by. This is where you start saying things like "those boots are worth more than I make in a year" or "I'd have to sell my firstborn child before I could buy that car." Or, "and I still wouldn't be able to buy that car" if your firstborn child is likely to be a nearsighted photosensitive little thing with stupid allergies. So some people are more affected by the poverty exaggeration decline than others.

This post is kind of all over the place, but check out the graph I made.

Other stuff I need to do: take up smoking, line apartment with asbestos, sleep around lots

So I'm back from Volgograd, but there's something else I need to get off my chest.

I have this issue every summer. Actually, I had this issue year-round growing up and I'm happy to be living in a place with actual seasons because I get nine months where I don't have to hear this.

"This" is: "You need a tan" or some variant thereof.

Is there a good response to this? I don't have a good response to this. I usually just say that I can't get one, which is true. Occasionally somebody will be enough of an idiot to argue, but all I can do is repeat myself.

What I'd like to say, though, is this:

"Thank you for your concern. Tell me what option you think is best:
First, I could lie in the sun like most people do. This will give me terrible burns but in a few weeks, after all the badly damaged skin has peeled off, I might be a little bit darker. As an added bonus, before long you'll be able to lecture me about how old I look.
Second, I could go to a tanning bed. This will most likely give me cancer, but at least we'll have a few good years between your lecture on how I need a tan and your lecture on how I need a wig.
Third, I could cover myself with chemicals that I don't really know the long-term effects of. But it's nice that I can rely on you to lecture me when they apply unevenly or turn me orange.
Or, finally, you could fuck off, mind your own business, and stop looking at me if it bothers you so much."

I had to get that off my chest. But I will never say that in real life. Politeness has nothing to do with it. It's that I basically have no self-confidence where this issue is concerned. If you want to completely ruin my day, maybe my week, point it out.

If you hate your arms, you wear long sleeves. If you hate your legs, wear long pants. If you hate your hips, wear a dark-colored A-line skirt. What do you do when you hate your skin? It's kinda everywhere. Move to Saudi Arabia or get over it, I guess. English teachers are pretty well-paid in Saudi Arabia.


Actually, one of my students (that one...sigh*) told me I had a beautiful complexion the week before last (yeah, I don't know, either). As that was the first and last time I'll ever hear that, I celebrated by going out for lunch. I ordered sushi and an Irish coffee. A couple days later, it occurred to me that that might be the whitest lunch ever. (I'm pretty sure I was wearing a scarf, too, as I am always wearing a scarf). But said student is seriously on my good side forever, even if that wasn't actually what he was trying to say.


* Yeah, I lost that argument when my contract hours increased for the summer. Though it was acknowledged that that facial expression is, indeed, creepy, and that I should never make it again, it was also pointed out that my contract hours were increasing and I never actually make eye contact with males I find attractive anyway. I could not refute either of those arguments, but it's only for a couple weeks, anyway.

I want it more than I can tell

I am suddenly having an awful week. For one thing, it is six days long. Russia doesn't do "observed" holidays, so if an important holiday falls on a Thursday or Tuesday, you get the Friday or Monday off. Or, rather, the Friday or Monday is moved to a weekend day.

For example, June 12 (Thursday) is Independence Day (the day Russia adopted its constitution). This year, we get both June 12 and June 13 off, making a four-day weekend. But, to make up for this, everyone has to work on Saturday. I am using the four-day weekend to go to Volgograd (20-24 hours by train, so not really doable on a three-day weekend). I bought the tickets earlier in the week and everything has gone downhill ever since. But the effect of that is that I am happy to be having a mini-holiday soon. So I guess it all works out.


I saw "Enchanted" the other day. I loved the premise. I liked the first half. I began to hate it after I realized where they were going with it. As far as I can understand, the point of the film is that what men actually want is some hot, dumb, inappropriately dressed girl to clean up after them. This is sexist and depressing.

And it's not often that I find a movie sexist. In fact, the only movie I can remember saying that about was "Sin City."* Honestly, I never really found the Disney cartoons to be sexist. My generation's Disney cartoons, in particular, kind of went out of their way not to be. But even the older cartoons just don't seem sexist to me. "Sleeping Beauty," for example, has three male characters, none of whom get much screen time. The rest of the characters, including the good and evil fairies, who drive the story, are all female and all kind of varied, character-wise. Is it kind of silly that "Cinderella" (and most of the other ones, too) ends with her marrying the prince and living happily ever after even though they didn't meet all that long before? Yes, but it's certainly not sexist, since, you know, the prince is doing the exact same thing. "Beauty and the Beast" (my favorite one!) is interesting in that the main character doesn't really gain anything by being beautiful. In fact, it kind of causes more problems than it solves. There are not a lot of movies like that.

So it's kind of funny that "Enchanted" strikes me as way more sexist than the films it was making fun of. Kind of funny. Mostly sad. Definitely not a film I'd take a kid to see.


Anyway, I got tagged for a book meme over a month ago, but got distracted by work, Perm, Eurovision, and work.

The closest book is the same travel book again:

Since they take the most direct route between cities the savings in time can be considerable over slow trains and meandering buses. Typically you will find drivers offering this service outside bus terminals. Someone in your party must speak Russian to negotiate a price with the driver that typically works out to about R5 per kilometre.

I feel less bad about this now because my mother and my brother also had practical-sounding books.

I'd like to also do my mother's version of the same meme, but this is harder because all of my page 123s are so boring (she had a really good one, though I have no idea what it is). I've got two so far.

Too easy:

Speed.
More important than any of those things, however, was one final requirement.
Luck.

This one is funny to me because I'm pretty sure these are the least distinctive three sentences in this book:

Why did you do it, why? But I'll save you. I'll save you.



* And I take that back now. When I saw it, it bothered me that all the female characters were sex workers and/or victims. The more I think about it, though, the more I think that that's totally accurate for the environment of the film.